Dr. Manhattan

It was only a matter of time before we saw a penis on this website, I'm just glad it's Dr. Manhattan's. He has the most powerful penis in the world.

This is no doubt going to be a short blog, as I doubt even the most die-hard Superman fan will dispute the inevitable outcome of this confrontation. If Superman is "more powerful than a locomotive" then Dr. Manhattan is more powerful than a circular particle accelerator. With a list of superpowers rivaling that of Jesus Christ himself, Dr. Manhattan has the ability to destroy Superman in just about any way possible.

If the good Doctor decided not to take the easy way out by simply pulling Superman apart atom by atom right off the bat, he could always use his knowledge of the future to predict Superman's every move and counteract it suitably. Also, I don't believe it is too farfetched to assume that Manhattan could just look at Superman and deduce his weakness to kryptonite radiation, and then turn the entire planet into kryptonite.

The clincher is that even if Dr. Manhattan didn't have a million and one ways to kill Superman, Supes still wouldn't be able to beat him. Dr. Manhattan survived having his body's intrinsic field removed, a process that split his body into a billion subatomic particles. What could Superman do that could possibly be any worse than that? The guy takes the word "invincible" to ridiculous new heights.

Next Week: Arthas Menethil, The Lich King

Godzilla

People like to quote half truths and bizarre pseudoscience when defending Superman from my verbal assaults. I like to counter with Godzilla, the most scientifically impossible character ever. If Godzilla really existed he wouldn't be able to step foot on dry land without breaking every bone in his body and rupturing all his blood vessels. If Superman really existed he wouldn't look anything like a human and probably would have been burned alive by closed-minded bumpkins Ma and Pa Kent.

Let us revisit and old article, namely the second one, where I had Superman square off against the original Ultraman. I made mention of Ultraman's bones, skin, and muscles, and how they would have to be hundreds of times stronger than a normal man's just to enable him to walk on dry land, let alone fight space monsters. The same is true for Godzilla, who is even stronger than Ultraman for his size. Bones stronger than the strongest substance known to man, blood vessels slightly less so but still quite strong, and muscles like a wet adamantium weave are all necessities for survival for Godzilla.

Godzilla also has an atomic fire burning in his belly, which manifests itself most notably as the amazing nuclear beam he periodically bombards his adversaries with. In the past Godzilla has used this beam to do everything from melting diamonds to blasting meteors out of the sky (he also once used it to fly, but I don't like to think about that). It is hot enough to scour the flesh from Superman's bones.

Of course, my favorite outcome to this tussle is the most obvious one. Godzilla eats Superman.

Next Week: Dr. Manhattan

Captain Marvel/Photon

I tricked you again! You thought I meant Shazam (I call him Shazam because only Marvel can have a Captain Marvel), but I meant super-awesome Monica Rambeau! Monica Rambeau is not just the world's most powerful female superhero, she is the world's most powerful female anything! Also, hotter than the sun. She doesn't go by Captain Marvel anymore, so I guess I can forgive you for your mistake.

Monica Rambeau has the power to convert her body into any kind of energy in the electromagnetic spectrum and a few that aren't. On top of this, when exposed to a new type of energy, her body can assimilate it and absorb it. She used this to great effect against Green Lantern in their singular encounter. The important thing to remember is that in her energy form she is not only intangible, but without mass completely. Few physical forces, and none at Superman's disposal, can affect her in this form and she can move at the speed of light if the particular energy in question is light.

Given her ability to absorb energy, it is not unlikely that her fight with Superman would be a very short one. Should circumstances go her way, she could absorb all the solar energy stored within Superman's body, much in the same way she drained Green Lantern's ring. However, this would require that Superman use his heat vision against her, which isn't really a given. It's likely since Superman is relatively low on options against an opponent he can't touch, but not a given.

The more likely situation finds Monica Rambeau bombarding Superman with a multitude of different radiations until she finds one that sticks. Superman is invulnerable to most types of energy, but electricity has worked against him in the past. She has all the time in the world to find one though. It's not like Superman can do shit to her.

This is one instance where maybe Superman would fare better in his lame electric blue guise. I couldn't tell you which one would end up absorbing the other. I imagine they would both end up in their human forms and have a bare knuckle brawl. Rambeau was in the Harbor Patrol, which I guess is sort of like the military, so she would have the advantage there.

Next Week: Godzilla

Captain Planet

Captain Planet, he's your hero. Admit it fucker! Superman fans can rejoice this week, as I somehow managed to find an opponent even lamer than he is. Lame as he may be however, he is also very powerful. Powerful enough to beat Superman for sure. Just let Cap find Superman threatening the earth's delicate ecosystems. He would unleash his green wrath on the man of steel, then use his body for enviro-friendly compost.

Along such mainstays as super-strength and flight, Captain Planet has the power to command and transmute his body into the various elements that form his being-earth, fire, wind, water, and for some reason heart-making him as formidable as he is environmentally conscious. Superman can't land the big punch on a guy who can turn into wind!

Of course, Cap would still have to think of a way to actually defeat Superman...He could drown him by turning his fist into water and sticking it down Supe's throat, or he could have the earth open up and swallow Superman. Could he alter the earth's atmosphere so the sun's light filtered through red? I never saw him do it on the show but that doesn't mean he can't.

The real kicker is that even if Superman did win, Captain Planet would just go back to the Planeteer's rings, to be re-summoned whenever the time was right again. Superman couldn't defeat Captain Planet for good without taking down Whoopi Goldberg, the spirit of the earth, which would destroy the planet as well. Superman's reluctance to destroy the planet has always been his Achilles heel.

Next Week: Captain Marvel