Sarah Kerrigan

Yes! I broke the rules with another army building character! I'm awesome at this. Next Week: Napoleon Bonaparte! Okay, so next week won't actually be Napoleon Bonaparte. Napoleon did have an army, but he doesn't count. Mainly because he has an an army of the French, and Superman would totally murder those frog eaters. Also because unlike Bonaparte's army of surrender-monkeys, Sarah Kerrigan controls her army with her mind, and it's a super-powerful army at that (IE no French).

Sarah Kerrigan herself is a telepath on a level totally surpassing that of the many telepaths that came before her. She wrested control of a whole galaxy of Zerg underlings from the powerful Overmind. Well, she actually only got half and then killed the Overmind and took the other half. Still, half a galaxy of Zerg is a shitload of Zerg. The Zerg armies might even be able to take Supes without Kerrigan's help.

No lie it would take a lot of them Zerg though. Zerg units are tough for sure, and no doubt if a handful of Ultralisks were able to pin Supes down they'd finish him for good. Problem is that Superman's mobility makes this difficult. His Super senses and x-ray vision make burrowing and other forms of stealth futile as well.

The more likely scenario is that the Zerg serve only to slow Superman down though. This is important because Kerrigan lacks the speed it would take to kill Superman unaided, and probably couldn't a lot if any hits from Superman. Her real ace in the hole is her immense telepathic power. She'd need to release a pretty immense psionic storm to prevent Superman from busting her skull open, then shut his mind the fuck down.

Then she'd need to assimilate his DNA, so that all the Zerg units can shoot lazers out their eyes.

Next Week: Hedorah

Iron Sheik (Guest blog by Matt Machine)

There are few, if any, people who actually exist who could stand up to the awesome might of the Man of Steel. One who immediately comes to mind is a former WWF Champion. Bo I don't mean that Hollywood blond jabroni Hulk Hogan, but rather another 80's wrestling legend. The man who ended the 6 year championship reign of Bob Backlund (and turned around and lost the title to that aforementioned Hollywood blond fag a month later). I'm talking about the Iron Sheik.

The major strength in Sheik's favor is his wrestling skill. He is a master of the suplex, not to mention any of the countless other moves he can apply to make Supes beg for mercy. Chief among these is his trademark move, the dreaded Camel Clutch. Many a grappler has had their championship dreams stifled by this crippling move and Superman would fare no better. The Sheik would break his back and then fuck his ass.

Even if Superman was able to land a hit on Sheik, he probably wouldn't feel it. The man loves his beer. Oh yeah, and weed. And crack. Shit, he's probably snorted ground up kryptonite! Supes better stay away from the Sheik's booger sugar!

Sheik's ability to talk shit about anybody ever would also prove an asset in his defeat of Superman. Iron Sheik doesn't have a lot of nice things to say about many of his fellow wrestlers. I once heard him call Ultimate Warrior a lesbian during an interview. He would no doubt talk shit about Superman and ruin his public image, thus defeating him.

The Iron Sheik may be past his prime, and burned out from years of in ring competition and substance abuse, but there is little doubt that if he had to lace up the curled boots and climb into the ring with Superman, he would suplex him, put him in the Camel Clutch, break his back, fuck his ass and make him humble.

Iran number one! Russia number one! Metropolis HACK-PTOO!!!

Next Week: Sarah Kerrigan