Superman

I have not gone insane. Pitting Superman against himself is not the end of this blog forever. By adding Superman to this list I am cleverly illustrating the point that Superman's energy powers were far superior to his regular ones. Yes. These are the words that I am saying. They resonate sharply with truth.

With his classic powers, Superman was a nigh-unstoppable physical force. Powerful yes, but loosely bound but certain physical laws. As a being of pure energy, Superman was free to distribute faster than light justice like a strange blue bolt of righteousness. He had complete control over the entire electromagnetic spectrum! He could absorb any form of energy! He could phase through solid matter! Regular Superman could not touch him!

The outcome to this match would be simple. Electric Superman fucks with regular Superman's electrical synapses and impulses. Regular Superman is rendered catatonic and dies shitting himself in a hospital bed years later. Electric Superman does this at the speed of light, so regular Superman is defenseless.

Should Electric Superman decides he wants to outright destroy Superman, he just draws all the solar energy from Superman's body. This renders Superman powerless and vulnerable to...you know...getting struck by lightning.

Superman vs. Superman! And the winner is...Superman!

Next Week: Apocalypse

Super Sonic

I, like a majority of gamers I imagine, vastly preferred the original Sonic the Hedgehog platform games to the newfangled 3D ones. There are many reasons for this. As a natural born lummox, I crave simplicity in my video games. "That button jumps, these buttons run"are really the only instructions required in a well written manual as far as I am concerned. I don't much care for cut scenes in my games either. They remove you from the action. And one thing I especially dislike about the newer games, however, is the treatment of Super Sonic.

These days an appearance by Super Sonic is pretty much mandated by the game's various narratives. He is built into the plot that way, making using him less rewarding. Back in my day Super Sonic was unbeatable. Even bosses did zero damage to him so long as loyal players kept him supplied with sweet, sweet rings. This invulnerability didn't come easy though. You had to collect all the powerful Chaos Emeralds to unlock this amazing strength. There was no narrative to guide you to all the emeralds either. You had to collect fifty rings on your own time, then for some reason jump though a giant ring and complete the bonus stage. Then you had to do it again six more times. It was difficult to do without beating the game first!

This stands in stark contrast to Superman, who did nothing to earn his amazing powers except be born on another planet. That lazy milksop! Sonic the Hedgehog has to jump through hoops (er...rings) to gain his invincibility and insane speeds! Infuriating!

However, I've never been one to take non-corporeal factors like grit and determination into account in these assessments. So let's examine the facts. Fact: Super Sonic is utterly invincible. Fact: Even the mightiest of Dr. Robotnik's machines is destroyed at the merest tough of Super Sonic's light-infused quills. Fact: Super Sonic has been shown (depending on the game/media) to be faster than any speeding bullet, and occasionally even capable of flight. How could Superman possibly harm something too fast to be touched? And what would he do to this invincible furry juggernaut even if he weren't so, so slow in comparison?

He never had yellow bird lackeys though, that was a Super Tails thing.

Next Week: Superman?!?!

Unicron

See that planet in the picture? No, not the little one. The little one is Lithone. Lithone sucks. I mean the big one. That big planet? The one giving Lithone the ol' stink eye? That is Unicron. That big ass planet is a mother fucking Transformer. The biggest fucking Transformer ever. Unicron eats planet. Not in a lame ass "converts them to energy and then feeds on the energy" way. In a literal chew-their-asses-up-and-swallow way.

Unicron is basically the Transformer devil. Big as shit and hellbent on the destruction of Cybertron, Unicron drifts throught he galaxy and eats everything in his path. He does have a robot form, and when he chooses to don it he is armed to the teeth with all manner of nasty weapons. Not that he needs them. He is the size of a planet! A fucking planet! Superman used to be able to push planets around (pre-crisis, it was stupid) but not planets capable of self-propulsion. Also, not planets that could eat him.

Seriously, what would Superman do to a robot the size of a planet? Unicron has to have redundancy upon redundancy built into his systems, more likely than not just to take up the massive amounts of space one would have in a robot the size of a planet. He also has off the wall defenses inside his body. But mostly he's the size of a planet! Planets are huge! And I don't like to mention it, but Unicron can only be destroyed by the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. Which Superman doesn't have, and (as a non-Autobot Leader) couldn't open if he did.

The only problem facing Unicron in this bout is the fact that Superman is probably too small for him to see. Though he can see regular sized Transformers, which are comparably small. He probably has some pretty decent vision, as he can see events occurring in Autobot City (earth) from deep space. Unicron must possess some evil form of omnipresence or omniscience. Unicron knows things. Evil things.

I like to imagine a scenario in which Unicron rebuilds Metallo into a more menacing robot. Possibly Brainiac as well. Maybe Lex Luthor.

Next Week: Super Sonic

The Borg

I love the way I find loopholes to my own rules. Yes, the Borg do count, as they are not an entire race or army but rather a collective. Many bodies working for the same hive mind, like communism on sick bender. Several billion communists, and the drug is sweet, sweet assimilation.

The Borg have three advantages against Superman. The first is obviously sheer numbers. Superman is much stronger than a normal person, or even a single Borg (Borg cybernetic enhancements make them stronger than regular humans/vulcans/whatevers). But is he stronger than a hundred Borg? Again the answer is yes. A thousand? Sure, more likely than not. A Million? Eh, getting closer. A billion? That's a lot of Borg. There are more than a trillion assimilated humanoids in the Borg collective. A trillion bodies that Superman would have to smash to defeat the Borg.

A trillion Borg to smash if it came to that. Which it probably wouldn't, because Superman would also have to get past their second advantage: Borg technology. Borg technology is centuries past anything lame-ass Brainiac ever came up with, and twice as brutal. The combined techological likenesses of hundreds of assimilated species makes for nasty goodies, not the least of which is the planet sized spaceships they employ. Superman can be as invulnerable as he wants, just makes him a better drone once the Borg pump him with a few pints worth of nano-robots.

However, a particular technological aspect of the Borg makes up advantage 3: adaptation. The Borg, through the benefits of the oft-mentioned hive-mind the trillions of them share, is capable of coming up with amazingly quick adaptations for any situation they might find themselves in. This means that, while Superman may get a few with his super-strong punches and heat vision or whatever, the rest would adapt. Superman has a lot of powers, but he does not have enough to destroy a trillion super-adaptive cyborgs. Imagine the shocked look on his face when the fourth or so Borg drone adapts to his punches! It would probably be the last emotive expression he ever made.

It does not matter how strong or how fast Superman is. All that does is make him a better drone. With numbers in the trillions, technology far beyond anything Superman has ever seen, and all the adaptive qualities of hundreds of assimilated races, Superman is destined to fall before the Borg. I guess what they say is true, resistance IS futile.

Next Week: Unicron

Gladiator

Okay, I admit it. When I first conceived this entry I had Superman fighting General Maximus Decimus Meridius from Ridley Scott's epic film. And you know what? Russel Crowe would have fucking won!

Let it not be said that I am too blind to see what is set before me. I know Gladiator for what he is. I am aware of his origins, both factious and fictitious. I know that Gladiator is nothing more than a pastiche of Superman (though technically Gladiator is based on Mon-El and Superboy, same difference I know). His real name is even Kallark for Christ's sake! However, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery in this case, as Superman has the distinction of being the inspiration for one of the most kick-ass characters in the Marvel Universe.

Gladiator shares all the powers of Superman. He's capable of flying faster than light in the vacuum of space, and he once punched the Juggernaut across the planet. No small feat right? He has survived energies on par with exploding suns and all his senses are on par with Superman's as well. He has heat vision too.

Okay, so by all accounts they seem evenly matched. But what gives Gladiator the edge is fact that Gladiator's powers are linked to his own self-confidence. the more smug and holier-than-thou Gladiator's attitude gets, the more powerful he becomes. It has been stated pretty much plain as day that Gladiator can overcome any foe as long as he simply believes he can. Has anyone though to simply tell Gladiator this? That as long as he maintained a positive outlook he would be essentially unbeatable? Seems like a no-brainer. Knowing I was invincible would definitely do wonders for my self-confidence.

That is why Superman's flamboyance is Gladiator's advantage. Think about it. Who would look at Superman's ridiculous, mildly homosexual costume and think to themselves "This guy could be tough?" Seriously, super-intimidation is not one of Superman's powers.

Next Week: The Borg

Santa Claus

Chosen by God as the bastion of holiday generosity, Santa Claus has gone by many alias' over the centuries: Chris Kringle, Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas, etc...But whatever you choose to call him know that while he may be known for dispensing presents to good little boys and girls on Christmas day, he is also fully capable of dispensing death to his adversaries all year long.

Many people may think me crazy for including Santa here, or perhaps merely overcome with Christmas cheer, let us take a second to examine the physics behind Santa. While the precise mathematics behind it are somewhat boring, it can be roughly determined that in order to visit every gentile boy and girl on the planet Santa would have to travel at least three thousand times the speed of sound in order to get it done in the allotted 31 hours. Plus, a conservative estimate places to size of Santa's payload at around 350,000 tons (I say conservative because, according to my Dad, kids are spoiled these days).

Keep close in mind Santa's two most obvious advantages in this confrontation. First, Santa is omniscient. He sees Superman when he's sleeping and knows when Superman is awake. There is no possible way for Superman to surprise Santa. Santa knows all Superman's tricks.

Santa's second and admittedly most blunt advantage is that you just know someone asked for kryptonite this year. I know I did.

Next Week: Gladiator

TETSUOOOOO!

I did some Internet research. That is the correct pronunciation of TETSUOOOOO! I tried to do some research on Tetsuo's powers as well, but got distracted by Anime Music Videos splicing Akira clips with Korn and Linkin Park songs. I did manage to learn that Tetsuo is "a freak on a leash" and is also "crawling in my skin."

A few weeks ago I highlighted another power telekinetic, Mewtwo, and incorrectly stated that being a world class telekinetic was not enough on it's own to defeat Superman. Either I was gravely mistaken or Tetsuo drastically redefines what a "world class" telekinetic is. When you can use your telepathy to catch rockets and shield yourself from the ensuing explosions, that is world class. Telekinesis powerful enough to propel you into space and protect you from the vacuous non-atmosphere is world class. As an added plus, he also has the power to graft inorganic matter to his body in order to heal wounds. Could be handy. I am of the opinion that this power makes Tetsuo pretty much unbeatable, since once he deforms into that giant flesh monster he takes considerable damage with dying or relenting, though that point is debatable.

So Superman charges Tetsuo at full speed. All Tetsuo has to do is catch Superman mid-air rip his guts out from the inside...with his mind! Now, Tetsuo is fast enough and powerful enough to catch a rocket, but this doesn't necessarily make him fast and powerful enough to catch Superman. Doesn't really matter though, any damage Tetsuo should happen to sustain is repaired easily enough...with his mind! Seriously, Tetsuo got his arm blown off. Made a new one out of stuff lying around.

The hard part for Tetsuo is defeating Superman without turning into a gigantic, fleshy, organ monster. That thing freaks me right the fuck out!

Next Week: Merry Christmas!