Dr. Manhattan

It was only a matter of time before we saw a penis on this website, I'm just glad it's Dr. Manhattan's. He has the most powerful penis in the world.

This is no doubt going to be a short blog, as I doubt even the most die-hard Superman fan will dispute the inevitable outcome of this confrontation. If Superman is "more powerful than a locomotive" then Dr. Manhattan is more powerful than a circular particle accelerator. With a list of superpowers rivaling that of Jesus Christ himself, Dr. Manhattan has the ability to destroy Superman in just about any way possible.

If the good Doctor decided not to take the easy way out by simply pulling Superman apart atom by atom right off the bat, he could always use his knowledge of the future to predict Superman's every move and counteract it suitably. Also, I don't believe it is too farfetched to assume that Manhattan could just look at Superman and deduce his weakness to kryptonite radiation, and then turn the entire planet into kryptonite.

The clincher is that even if Dr. Manhattan didn't have a million and one ways to kill Superman, Supes still wouldn't be able to beat him. Dr. Manhattan survived having his body's intrinsic field removed, a process that split his body into a billion subatomic particles. What could Superman do that could possibly be any worse than that? The guy takes the word "invincible" to ridiculous new heights.

Next Week: Arthas Menethil, The Lich King

Godzilla

People like to quote half truths and bizarre pseudoscience when defending Superman from my verbal assaults. I like to counter with Godzilla, the most scientifically impossible character ever. If Godzilla really existed he wouldn't be able to step foot on dry land without breaking every bone in his body and rupturing all his blood vessels. If Superman really existed he wouldn't look anything like a human and probably would have been burned alive by closed-minded bumpkins Ma and Pa Kent.

Let us revisit and old article, namely the second one, where I had Superman square off against the original Ultraman. I made mention of Ultraman's bones, skin, and muscles, and how they would have to be hundreds of times stronger than a normal man's just to enable him to walk on dry land, let alone fight space monsters. The same is true for Godzilla, who is even stronger than Ultraman for his size. Bones stronger than the strongest substance known to man, blood vessels slightly less so but still quite strong, and muscles like a wet adamantium weave are all necessities for survival for Godzilla.

Godzilla also has an atomic fire burning in his belly, which manifests itself most notably as the amazing nuclear beam he periodically bombards his adversaries with. In the past Godzilla has used this beam to do everything from melting diamonds to blasting meteors out of the sky (he also once used it to fly, but I don't like to think about that). It is hot enough to scour the flesh from Superman's bones.

Of course, my favorite outcome to this tussle is the most obvious one. Godzilla eats Superman.

Next Week: Dr. Manhattan

Captain Marvel/Photon

I tricked you again! You thought I meant Shazam (I call him Shazam because only Marvel can have a Captain Marvel), but I meant super-awesome Monica Rambeau! Monica Rambeau is not just the world's most powerful female superhero, she is the world's most powerful female anything! Also, hotter than the sun. She doesn't go by Captain Marvel anymore, so I guess I can forgive you for your mistake.

Monica Rambeau has the power to convert her body into any kind of energy in the electromagnetic spectrum and a few that aren't. On top of this, when exposed to a new type of energy, her body can assimilate it and absorb it. She used this to great effect against Green Lantern in their singular encounter. The important thing to remember is that in her energy form she is not only intangible, but without mass completely. Few physical forces, and none at Superman's disposal, can affect her in this form and she can move at the speed of light if the particular energy in question is light.

Given her ability to absorb energy, it is not unlikely that her fight with Superman would be a very short one. Should circumstances go her way, she could absorb all the solar energy stored within Superman's body, much in the same way she drained Green Lantern's ring. However, this would require that Superman use his heat vision against her, which isn't really a given. It's likely since Superman is relatively low on options against an opponent he can't touch, but not a given.

The more likely situation finds Monica Rambeau bombarding Superman with a multitude of different radiations until she finds one that sticks. Superman is invulnerable to most types of energy, but electricity has worked against him in the past. She has all the time in the world to find one though. It's not like Superman can do shit to her.

This is one instance where maybe Superman would fare better in his lame electric blue guise. I couldn't tell you which one would end up absorbing the other. I imagine they would both end up in their human forms and have a bare knuckle brawl. Rambeau was in the Harbor Patrol, which I guess is sort of like the military, so she would have the advantage there.

Next Week: Godzilla

Captain Planet

Captain Planet, he's your hero. Admit it fucker! Superman fans can rejoice this week, as I somehow managed to find an opponent even lamer than he is. Lame as he may be however, he is also very powerful. Powerful enough to beat Superman for sure. Just let Cap find Superman threatening the earth's delicate ecosystems. He would unleash his green wrath on the man of steel, then use his body for enviro-friendly compost.

Along such mainstays as super-strength and flight, Captain Planet has the power to command and transmute his body into the various elements that form his being-earth, fire, wind, water, and for some reason heart-making him as formidable as he is environmentally conscious. Superman can't land the big punch on a guy who can turn into wind!

Of course, Cap would still have to think of a way to actually defeat Superman...He could drown him by turning his fist into water and sticking it down Supe's throat, or he could have the earth open up and swallow Superman. Could he alter the earth's atmosphere so the sun's light filtered through red? I never saw him do it on the show but that doesn't mean he can't.

The real kicker is that even if Superman did win, Captain Planet would just go back to the Planeteer's rings, to be re-summoned whenever the time was right again. Superman couldn't defeat Captain Planet for good without taking down Whoopi Goldberg, the spirit of the earth, which would destroy the planet as well. Superman's reluctance to destroy the planet has always been his Achilles heel.

Next Week: Captain Marvel

Goku

Oh Goku, you are so powerful. Your kamehameha could totally destroy the planet. You are faster than a speeding bullet and many other things which are even faster than that. Remember the time you fought Frieza? That was awesome.

This is going to be the most boring article I have ever written, since the reason Goku would beat Superman is fairly simple: Goku is every bit as powerful as Superman, but he has also trained for combat his entire life. He is like Superman, but if Superman knew kung-fu. Goku's punches shatter mountains, his energy blast are the size of smalls moons, he moves way too fast to be seen, and he does it all with the remarkable power of a diligent exercise regime, like some sort of outer space Billy Blanks. Goku's solution to any problem is training, whether it be training in a hyperbolic time chamber, training in 100 times earth's gravity, or training in the afterlife. I don't think Superman has ever trained for anything in his life. Goku can also teleport, which I imagine might also be useful at some point.

The thing about Superman is, I have never seen him make any attempt whatsoever to dodge or block any kind of hit. His MO is more or less to take everything right on the chin, because he is Superman and can take more punishment than most people can dish out. Against Goku that shit just wouldn't fly. Goku actually blocks and dodges super fast punches all the time. He's really good at it.

And of course, if it ever did look like Superman was going to win, Goku would just go Super Saiyan 5 or 6 or whatever number he is up to now.

Also, if Superman did actually win Goku would just come back more powerful than before.

Next Week: Captain Planet

The Silver Surfer

The Silver Surfer is overpowered. Totally, insanely, stupidly overpowered. Superman is as well, but the entirety of comic book fandom doesn't seem to look the other way for the Surfer the way they do for Supey. The Silver Surfer is so stupid powerful that I actually had to do some research to determine exactly how powerful he is. I don't normally do that for these blogs, I usually just pull half-facts out of my ass, make a few sexy jokes, put a pic at the top, and call it art. I won't list all his powers here. I'll make light of them when relevent because, like Peter Petrelli before him, the Silver Surfer wouldn't need all the powers at his disposal to win.

Superman is very strong and very fast. The Silver Surfer is even more so. It is hard to determine exactly how strong the Surfer is, but he very recently went a few rounds with the Hulk without the benefit of being able to tap into his other powers. The Hulk still gave him a decent beating, but the fact that the Surfer wasn't crushed like a tin can says volumes for his strength. Now, being stronger than the Hulk doesn't neccessarily make one stronger than Superman (the exact limit of Superman's strength being as ill-defined as they are) I will supplant this by mentiong that the Surfer can move faster than light on his board. Superman can be as strong as he wants since he wouldn't be able to lay a hand on the Surfer anyway.

However, should Norrin decide not to simply pummel Superman into a bloody clump he always has the option of using on of his other million and a half superpowers. He has the ability to restructure matter, so I guess he could just transmute Superman into a bloody clump. It's probably easier. He could use his power cosmic to blast Superman into a bloody clump, or his size-altering powers to stomp Superman into a bloody clump. The Silver Surfer has a lot of different ways to render Superman a bloody clump.

Just to be devil's advocate, I'll try to think of weaknesses the Surfer has that Superman might exploit. Many people believe that the Surfer gains his powers from his board. This is not true. The Surfer is little more than momentarily inconvenienced when his board is damaged. I guess Superman could throw him into the sun, but the Surfer is immune to the effects of most radiation, and can actually absorb and channel such energies through his body. Assuming Superman could actaully manage to get him in the sun to begin with. The Silver Surfer is kind of powerful.

Next Week: Goku

Peter Petrelli

I'm not too proud of the picture I ended up using for this one. He looks sort of bad-ass, right? Not at all like the other 15 year old girl cream dream pictures of Milo Ventimiglia?

Due to the nature of Peter Petrelli's powers, I feel it is important for me to date this blog. Not in the sense of today's date, but rather where we are in the Heroes timeline since Peter gets more powerful with every episode. As I sit here typing, season 2 has ended and season 3 has yet to begin. This means that as of this moment, Peter has the following powers: flight, precognition, radiation manipulation, electricity manipulation, time/space manipulation, regeneration, super-strength, telepathy, telekinesis, invisibility, and phasing. Yes, I did get that list from Wikipedia.

But you know what? Only two of those powers mean anything. Space/time manipulation and cellular regeneration are all he needs. He might possibly be able to beat Superman with any conglomeration of his other powers, but cellular regeneration and space/time control are the real ponies to bet on.

These two powers enable Peter to overcome the Superman's real advantage against most foes, his speed. Superman is certainly very strong, but even he weren't it wouldn't matter much against a foe who is too fast for you to see. Superman would, barring a precongitive vision or visit from future Peter, get the first hit in, and with Superman's strength the first hit is enough to pulp a human skull. Peter does have super-strength, but not to the degree I believe it would be neccessary to survive a Superman punch. Luckily Peter doesn't really need his skull to stay intact. He can regenerate a pulped face. Adam Munroe survived exploding (so did Peter, come to think of it), so it's safe to assume Peter could regrow a head if he needed to.

Once said head is regrown, Superman doesn't get another hit in. Time freezes around him and he is basically at the mercy of whatever emo whim Peter decides to act upon. If it was me personally, I would drop Superman off in some dystopian future, then go back in time and make sure that future never happens, effectively wiping Superman out of the space/time continuum. Nothing stings like being erased from the space/time continuum! But Peter has lots of options really.

Next season Peter will probably get the power to de-atomize people just by looking at them. It's really the only way that guy could get more powerful. Of course if he meets up with Sylar again he may absorb Sylar's "super melting power," which might be just as good. Shouldn't he already have that power though? Maybe since he has never seen Sylar use it he just doesn't know he has it. But I digress. Peter wins!

Next week: Silver Surfer