Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Sarah Kerrigan

Yes! I broke the rules with another army building character! I'm awesome at this. Next Week: Napoleon Bonaparte! Okay, so next week won't actually be Napoleon Bonaparte. Napoleon did have an army, but he doesn't count. Mainly because he has an an army of the French, and Superman would totally murder those frog eaters. Also because unlike Bonaparte's army of surrender-monkeys, Sarah Kerrigan controls her army with her mind, and it's a super-powerful army at that (IE no French).

Sarah Kerrigan herself is a telepath on a level totally surpassing that of the many telepaths that came before her. She wrested control of a whole galaxy of Zerg underlings from the powerful Overmind. Well, she actually only got half and then killed the Overmind and took the other half. Still, half a galaxy of Zerg is a shitload of Zerg. The Zerg armies might even be able to take Supes without Kerrigan's help.

No lie it would take a lot of them Zerg though. Zerg units are tough for sure, and no doubt if a handful of Ultralisks were able to pin Supes down they'd finish him for good. Problem is that Superman's mobility makes this difficult. His Super senses and x-ray vision make burrowing and other forms of stealth futile as well.

The more likely scenario is that the Zerg serve only to slow Superman down though. This is important because Kerrigan lacks the speed it would take to kill Superman unaided, and probably couldn't a lot if any hits from Superman. Her real ace in the hole is her immense telepathic power. She'd need to release a pretty immense psionic storm to prevent Superman from busting her skull open, then shut his mind the fuck down.

Then she'd need to assimilate his DNA, so that all the Zerg units can shoot lazers out their eyes.

Next Week: Hedorah

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Iron Sheik (Guest blog by Matt Machine)

There are few, if any, people who actually exist who could stand up to the awesome might of the Man of Steel. One who immediately comes to mind is a former WWF Champion. Bo I don't mean that Hollywood blond jabroni Hulk Hogan, but rather another 80's wrestling legend. The man who ended the 6 year championship reign of Bob Backlund (and turned around and lost the title to that aforementioned Hollywood blond fag a month later). I'm talking about the Iron Sheik.

The major strength in Sheik's favor is his wrestling skill. He is a master of the suplex, not to mention any of the countless other moves he can apply to make Supes beg for mercy. Chief among these is his trademark move, the dreaded Camel Clutch. Many a grappler has had their championship dreams stifled by this crippling move and Superman would fare no better. The Sheik would break his back and then fuck his ass.

Even if Superman was able to land a hit on Sheik, he probably wouldn't feel it. The man loves his beer. Oh yeah, and weed. And crack. Shit, he's probably snorted ground up kryptonite! Supes better stay away from the Sheik's booger sugar!

Sheik's ability to talk shit about anybody ever would also prove an asset in his defeat of Superman. Iron Sheik doesn't have a lot of nice things to say about many of his fellow wrestlers. I once heard him call Ultimate Warrior a lesbian during an interview. He would no doubt talk shit about Superman and ruin his public image, thus defeating him.

The Iron Sheik may be past his prime, and burned out from years of in ring competition and substance abuse, but there is little doubt that if he had to lace up the curled boots and climb into the ring with Superman, he would suplex him, put him in the Camel Clutch, break his back, fuck his ass and make him humble.

Iran number one! Russia number one! Metropolis HACK-PTOO!!!

Next Week: Sarah Kerrigan

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


Transformers, unlike kaiju, need to prove themselves as abnormally formidable before I will consider them for this list. Optimus Prime is better than Superman in just about every way I care to consider as far as fighting ability, leadership skills, and quotability but none of these skills give him what it would take to beat Superman in a straight fight. Same deal with Grimlock (my personal favourite Transformer).

Fortunately there is even more than meets the eye to Sunstorm than an average Transformer (a race known for being more than meets the eye). In addition to being a giant war machine, his body is constantly ablaze with powerful radiation and his chassis is made a nigh-unbreakable element similar to the faux-element electrum, which is capable of resisting pretty much any type of attack. He believed this was because he was some sort of scion to Primus, the Transformer robot god. Turned out he was just one of Shockwave's science lab freak shows, like Blitzwing but less memorable.

However, if 9/11 taught me anything it is that religious fanaticism makes for powerful and dangerous opponents. If Osama Bin Laden burned with nuclear fire and was made of nigh-indestructible electrum, we would still be fighting the war on terror instead of kinda half-ass pretending to fight it. Also, it would be a far more interesting war. I would probably join the army if this were the case. Do you like the way I added political commentary to this blog? Because I don't.

Sunstorm's one weakness is his predisposition towards exploding right before he achieves his goals, once his internal nuclear reactor melts down as nuclear reactors tend to do in works of fiction. However, since his fight with Superman will more likely than not be a short one I don't really see this being a problem.

Next Week: Iron Sheik

Saturday, March 21, 2009


Every once in a while I have trouble thinking of characters that can beat Superman in a fight, I'll ask one of my many friends. One name that comes up fairly often is Professor X. I am not of the opinion that the Professor X everyone knows and loves could beat Superman. Superman moves faster than Professor X can think, and Xavier is way too physically frail take even a single hit from Superman.

Onslaught is the manifestation of Professor X's repressed emotions, augmented by the absorbed personality of Magneto (after Professor X erased Magneto's mind in retaliation to a brutal attack on Wolverine). Initially, he possessed the combined powers of Professor X and Magneto. Later he would gone on the gain the powers of X-Man and Franklin Richards (the son of Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman). The addition of Franklin Richards' power set is noteworthy, as it gave Onslaught the boy's reality warping powers, essentially making Onslaught powerful enough to spontaneously create universes (Franklin Richards did this once).

However, all these additional powers aren't really what gives Onslaught the advantage over Superman. Even Magneto's powers aren't really that necessary. Onslaught possesses all the powers of Professor X, without the weaknesses associated with having a flesh and blood body. Onslaught is nothing more than a psychic manifestation of Xavier, a being of pure mental energy. Even after the powers of Franklin Richards gave him the ability to make himself into a seperate entity, he was just psionic energy in a metal shell. The point is, Onslaught is basically a ghost. All energy of the mind. Unable to be harmed by any means at Superman's disposable.

So Superman would easily be able to swoop in and probably get one hit in on Onslaught. Onslaught would shrug it off and use his incredible mind powers to take over Superman's mind. Professor X has used his powers to communicate with beings on other plantes, so it's safe to say he doesn't really have any type of range on his telepathic powers. Superman then becomes Onslaught's puppet, razing the planet of any resistance to his rise to power. Or he makes Superman kill himself. Is Superman power enough to kill himself? Huh, I never really thought about it before.

Anyway, it's a real act of charity on Charles Xavier's part that he spent his whole adult life training other mutants to use their powers, when had he been training his own he might have learned to create autonomous mind ghosts like Onslaught to destroy the enemies of mutantkind. Although given what happened when he accidentally created one, I guess he probably spent all that time training himself NOT to make mind ghosts.

Next Week: Sunstorm

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Beta Ray Bill

Okay, so I admit that at first it may seem as though I am retreading old territory. Having already done an entry on Thor, can I in good conscience do Beta Ray Bill as well? The answer is of course a resounding "fuck yes." Beta Ray Bill is the man!

So I went over all of Thor's amazing advantages over Superman many weeks ago. Beta Ray Bill's are mostly the same. Beta Ray Bill is a weather controlling, magical alien demigod. He destroys shit with Stormbreaker, his enchanted uru hammer which is the equal to Thor's own (which, if you'll remember, would have pulped Superman's skull at the end of Avengers/JLA #1 if anyone cared about accuracy in comics anymore) in every way.

Beta Ray Bill actually might be MORE of a challenge for Superman, as Bill has kicked Thor's ass more times than just about anyone else. In his very first story arc he beats Thor twice (although one of those times Thor does not have his hammer)! I chalk this up to Beta Ray Bill's superior strength, fighting skills, and conviction. Thor was more than a match for Supes, which I guess makes Beta Ray Bill more than more than a match.

Next Week: Thunderstrike


Next Week: Ultraseven

Ok, for serious this time.

Next Week: Onslaught

Friday, March 6, 2009

Pennywise the Dancing Clown

I made sure to address Pennywise by his full title in the name of this blog, so as not to cause confusion between Pennywise the awesome monster clown and Pennywise the shitty band that I hate. Okay, they aren't that bad I guess. I haven't heard too much from them. Still, I prefer the evil clown version of Pennywise.

Punk rock (FYI: dead) connotations aside, Pennywise is awesome! Okay, so evil clowns have sort of been done to death, but Pennywise is one of the top 3 evil clowns in the media today! Possibly the top 4, does Pagliacci still count?

Pennywise, in case you didn't know, is the eater of worlds, and of children. He is also every nightmare you've ever had, your worst dream come true, and everything you ever were afraid of. All this is very intimidating talk, but probably doesn't really mean shit to Superman. I talk ill of Supes quite a bit, but you probably aren't afraid of too much when your skin repels bullets. However, while Pennywise enjoys frightening children (he likens it to marinating meat) he certainly does not need to be able to frighten someone to kill them.

So I could go over how Pennywise's telepathy, shapeshifting, and reletive unkillability make him a formidable foe for Superman, but really I've already described in about 15 other blogs how people with these powers could kill Superman. Pennywise's real ace in the hole is the deadlights. The smallest glimpse of Pennywise's true form (refferred to as "the deadlights") would kill Superman if he were lucky. They could also render him white-haired and functionally retarded, drooling all over himself in a mental hospital. Pennywise is like a mini-Cthulhu in this respect.

Next Week: Beta Ray Bill

Saturday, February 28, 2009


So a while ago I told myself that I would not do anymore Kaiju. But I can't be done with Kaiju without having done Gamera, can I? He's like my favorite non-Ultra Series, non-Toho Kaiju! Shit! I can't be done Kaiju until I do Hedorah and U-Killer Saurus!

Gamera is the original super-powered turtle. He may not be a ninja, but he needn't be, he can shoot fiery plasma balls out of his mouth, which is better in some ways. He can also fly by spinning like a flying saucer (or more recently by blasting jets out of his legs). His shell is nigh-indestructible, and has various means by which to heal from injuries (whether it be by hibernation or simply replacing lost limbs with replacements of pure plasma).

Gamera also gets his power directly from the adulation of children, which I guess is pretty cool. Superman only feigns being a champion of the people, Gamera actually is. Even if Superman did manage a killing blow through Gamera's super-tough shell, the kids of Japan would just burst into song for some reason, and Gamera would rise again to strike down westernization. I guess Superman could kill all the children in Japan if he wanted to, but that would be a bit of a dick thing to do. Plus Gamera could beat him in the mean time.

This is all in addition to all the stuff I bring up in every boring ass kaiju article. I maintain that I don't think ALL kaiju could beat him. Just the good ones. Fuck you, Kumonga!

Next Week: Pennywise