Sarah Kerrigan

Yes! I broke the rules with another army building character! I'm awesome at this. Next Week: Napoleon Bonaparte! Okay, so next week won't actually be Napoleon Bonaparte. Napoleon did have an army, but he doesn't count. Mainly because he has an an army of the French, and Superman would totally murder those frog eaters. Also because unlike Bonaparte's army of surrender-monkeys, Sarah Kerrigan controls her army with her mind, and it's a super-powerful army at that (IE no French).

Sarah Kerrigan herself is a telepath on a level totally surpassing that of the many telepaths that came before her. She wrested control of a whole galaxy of Zerg underlings from the powerful Overmind. Well, she actually only got half and then killed the Overmind and took the other half. Still, half a galaxy of Zerg is a shitload of Zerg. The Zerg armies might even be able to take Supes without Kerrigan's help.

No lie it would take a lot of them Zerg though. Zerg units are tough for sure, and no doubt if a handful of Ultralisks were able to pin Supes down they'd finish him for good. Problem is that Superman's mobility makes this difficult. His Super senses and x-ray vision make burrowing and other forms of stealth futile as well.

The more likely scenario is that the Zerg serve only to slow Superman down though. This is important because Kerrigan lacks the speed it would take to kill Superman unaided, and probably couldn't a lot if any hits from Superman. Her real ace in the hole is her immense telepathic power. She'd need to release a pretty immense psionic storm to prevent Superman from busting her skull open, then shut his mind the fuck down.

Then she'd need to assimilate his DNA, so that all the Zerg units can shoot lazers out their eyes.

Next Week: Hedorah

Iron Sheik (Guest blog by Matt Machine)

There are few, if any, people who actually exist who could stand up to the awesome might of the Man of Steel. One who immediately comes to mind is a former WWF Champion. Bo I don't mean that Hollywood blond jabroni Hulk Hogan, but rather another 80's wrestling legend. The man who ended the 6 year championship reign of Bob Backlund (and turned around and lost the title to that aforementioned Hollywood blond fag a month later). I'm talking about the Iron Sheik.

The major strength in Sheik's favor is his wrestling skill. He is a master of the suplex, not to mention any of the countless other moves he can apply to make Supes beg for mercy. Chief among these is his trademark move, the dreaded Camel Clutch. Many a grappler has had their championship dreams stifled by this crippling move and Superman would fare no better. The Sheik would break his back and then fuck his ass.

Even if Superman was able to land a hit on Sheik, he probably wouldn't feel it. The man loves his beer. Oh yeah, and weed. And crack. Shit, he's probably snorted ground up kryptonite! Supes better stay away from the Sheik's booger sugar!

Sheik's ability to talk shit about anybody ever would also prove an asset in his defeat of Superman. Iron Sheik doesn't have a lot of nice things to say about many of his fellow wrestlers. I once heard him call Ultimate Warrior a lesbian during an interview. He would no doubt talk shit about Superman and ruin his public image, thus defeating him.

The Iron Sheik may be past his prime, and burned out from years of in ring competition and substance abuse, but there is little doubt that if he had to lace up the curled boots and climb into the ring with Superman, he would suplex him, put him in the Camel Clutch, break his back, fuck his ass and make him humble.

Iran number one! Russia number one! Metropolis HACK-PTOO!!!

Next Week: Sarah Kerrigan

Sunstorm

Transformers, unlike kaiju, need to prove themselves as abnormally formidable before I will consider them for this list. Optimus Prime is better than Superman in just about every way I care to consider as far as fighting ability, leadership skills, and quotability but none of these skills give him what it would take to beat Superman in a straight fight. Same deal with Grimlock (my personal favourite Transformer).

Fortunately there is even more than meets the eye to Sunstorm than an average Transformer (a race known for being more than meets the eye). In addition to being a giant war machine, his body is constantly ablaze with powerful radiation and his chassis is made a nigh-unbreakable element similar to the faux-element electrum, which is capable of resisting pretty much any type of attack. He believed this was because he was some sort of scion to Primus, the Transformer robot god. Turned out he was just one of Shockwave's science lab freak shows, like Blitzwing but less memorable.

However, if 9/11 taught me anything it is that religious fanaticism makes for powerful and dangerous opponents. If Osama Bin Laden burned with nuclear fire and was made of nigh-indestructible electrum, we would still be fighting the war on terror instead of kinda half-ass pretending to fight it. Also, it would be a far more interesting war. I would probably join the army if this were the case. Do you like the way I added political commentary to this blog? Because I don't.

Sunstorm's one weakness is his predisposition towards exploding right before he achieves his goals, once his internal nuclear reactor melts down as nuclear reactors tend to do in works of fiction. However, since his fight with Superman will more likely than not be a short one I don't really see this being a problem.

Next Week: Iron Sheik

Onslaught

Every once in a while I have trouble thinking of characters that can beat Superman in a fight, I'll ask one of my many friends. One name that comes up fairly often is Professor X. I am not of the opinion that the Professor X everyone knows and loves could beat Superman. Superman moves faster than Professor X can think, and Xavier is way too physically frail take even a single hit from Superman.

Onslaught is the manifestation of Professor X's repressed emotions, augmented by the absorbed personality of Magneto (after Professor X erased Magneto's mind in retaliation to a brutal attack on Wolverine). Initially, he possessed the combined powers of Professor X and Magneto. Later he would gone on the gain the powers of X-Man and Franklin Richards (the son of Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman). The addition of Franklin Richards' power set is noteworthy, as it gave Onslaught the boy's reality warping powers, essentially making Onslaught powerful enough to spontaneously create universes (Franklin Richards did this once).

However, all these additional powers aren't really what gives Onslaught the advantage over Superman. Even Magneto's powers aren't really that necessary. Onslaught possesses all the powers of Professor X, without the weaknesses associated with having a flesh and blood body. Onslaught is nothing more than a psychic manifestation of Xavier, a being of pure mental energy. Even after the powers of Franklin Richards gave him the ability to make himself into a seperate entity, he was just psionic energy in a metal shell. The point is, Onslaught is basically a ghost. All energy of the mind. Unable to be harmed by any means at Superman's disposable.

So Superman would easily be able to swoop in and probably get one hit in on Onslaught. Onslaught would shrug it off and use his incredible mind powers to take over Superman's mind. Professor X has used his powers to communicate with beings on other plantes, so it's safe to say he doesn't really have any type of range on his telepathic powers. Superman then becomes Onslaught's puppet, razing the planet of any resistance to his rise to power. Or he makes Superman kill himself. Is Superman power enough to kill himself? Huh, I never really thought about it before.

Anyway, it's a real act of charity on Charles Xavier's part that he spent his whole adult life training other mutants to use their powers, when had he been training his own he might have learned to create autonomous mind ghosts like Onslaught to destroy the enemies of mutantkind. Although given what happened when he accidentally created one, I guess he probably spent all that time training himself NOT to make mind ghosts.

Next Week: Sunstorm

Beta Ray Bill

Okay, so I admit that at first it may seem as though I am retreading old territory. Having already done an entry on Thor, can I in good conscience do Beta Ray Bill as well? The answer is of course a resounding "fuck yes." Beta Ray Bill is the man!

So I went over all of Thor's amazing advantages over Superman many weeks ago. Beta Ray Bill's are mostly the same. Beta Ray Bill is a weather controlling, magical alien demigod. He destroys shit with Stormbreaker, his enchanted uru hammer which is the equal to Thor's own (which, if you'll remember, would have pulped Superman's skull at the end of Avengers/JLA #1 if anyone cared about accuracy in comics anymore) in every way.

Beta Ray Bill actually might be MORE of a challenge for Superman, as Bill has kicked Thor's ass more times than just about anyone else. In his very first story arc he beats Thor twice (although one of those times Thor does not have his hammer)! I chalk this up to Beta Ray Bill's superior strength, fighting skills, and conviction. Thor was more than a match for Supes, which I guess makes Beta Ray Bill more than more than a match.

Next Week: Thunderstrike

Kidding!

Next Week: Ultraseven

Ok, for serious this time.

Next Week: Onslaught

Pennywise the Dancing Clown

I made sure to address Pennywise by his full title in the name of this blog, so as not to cause confusion between Pennywise the awesome monster clown and Pennywise the shitty band that I hate. Okay, they aren't that bad I guess. I haven't heard too much from them. Still, I prefer the evil clown version of Pennywise.

Punk rock (FYI: dead) connotations aside, Pennywise is awesome! Okay, so evil clowns have sort of been done to death, but Pennywise is one of the top 3 evil clowns in the media today! Possibly the top 4, does Pagliacci still count?

Pennywise, in case you didn't know, is the eater of worlds, and of children. He is also every nightmare you've ever had, your worst dream come true, and everything you ever were afraid of. All this is very intimidating talk, but probably doesn't really mean shit to Superman. I talk ill of Supes quite a bit, but you probably aren't afraid of too much when your skin repels bullets. However, while Pennywise enjoys frightening children (he likens it to marinating meat) he certainly does not need to be able to frighten someone to kill them.

So I could go over how Pennywise's telepathy, shapeshifting, and reletive unkillability make him a formidable foe for Superman, but really I've already described in about 15 other blogs how people with these powers could kill Superman. Pennywise's real ace in the hole is the deadlights. The smallest glimpse of Pennywise's true form (refferred to as "the deadlights") would kill Superman if he were lucky. They could also render him white-haired and functionally retarded, drooling all over himself in a mental hospital. Pennywise is like a mini-Cthulhu in this respect.

Next Week: Beta Ray Bill

Gamera

So a while ago I told myself that I would not do anymore Kaiju. But I can't be done with Kaiju without having done Gamera, can I? He's like my favorite non-Ultra Series, non-Toho Kaiju! Shit! I can't be done Kaiju until I do Hedorah and U-Killer Saurus!

Gamera is the original super-powered turtle. He may not be a ninja, but he needn't be, he can shoot fiery plasma balls out of his mouth, which is better in some ways. He can also fly by spinning like a flying saucer (or more recently by blasting jets out of his legs). His shell is nigh-indestructible, and has various means by which to heal from injuries (whether it be by hibernation or simply replacing lost limbs with replacements of pure plasma).

Gamera also gets his power directly from the adulation of children, which I guess is pretty cool. Superman only feigns being a champion of the people, Gamera actually is. Even if Superman did manage a killing blow through Gamera's super-tough shell, the kids of Japan would just burst into song for some reason, and Gamera would rise again to strike down westernization. I guess Superman could kill all the children in Japan if he wanted to, but that would be a bit of a dick thing to do. Plus Gamera could beat him in the mean time.

This is all in addition to all the stuff I bring up in every boring ass kaiju article. I maintain that I don't think ALL kaiju could beat him. Just the good ones. Fuck you, Kumonga!

Next Week: Pennywise

Sinistar

Run, coward! I am Sinistar! Beware, I live! That's right, it's the most quotable character in video game history, Sinistar! He hungers!

Sinistar is unique in that he is both the original AND the ultimate video game nemesis. All that came before him were merely a precursor and all that follow him are merely pretenders. Sinistar is the true evil in the galaxy. He has an army of drones to do his bidding, and is made of impervious Sinistrite! I assume it is impervious, because Sinistar can only be destroyed by bombs made of the stuff (cleverly named sinibombs).

Unfortunately, due to a lack of real data regarding certain aspects of Sinistar's character (possibly stemming from a lack of credible survivors) it is hard to say exactly how badly Sinistar would beat Superman, be it "incredibly badly," or merely "very badly." We do know that Sinistar is larger than a spaceship, but we don't know the sizes of the spaceships. We know that Sinistar is faster than a spaceship, but we don't know the exact speed of the spaceship either. Finally, we know that Sinistar can inhale a spaceship, but we don't know exactly how much horsepower the particular spaceship is using to elude capture.

I am going to presume that the spaceship which Sinistar destroys quite efficiently is at least the median amount of big, fast, and powerful of all spaceships I know of. This would put said spaceship at superior levels to Superman in all factors because spaceship[s are 1) usually bigger than people, 2) usually move faster than light, and 3) usually push pretty hard to avoid being inhaled by space monsters. It has been hypothesized by experts (re: me drinking Pepsi and playing Sinistar in the breakroom back when I worked at Target) that Sinistar has more sucking power than a black hole.

Nest Week: Gamera

Black Vulcan

This is the best picture I could find of Black Vulcan. The Internet is racist.

If Wikipedia is to be believed, Black Vulcan was created because Black Lightning wasn't deemed valuable enough to purchase the TV rights for. I choose to think of it as Joesphe Hanna saying to William Barbera "Black Lightning is lame, we need to Vulcanize this cartoon!" and then lightning strikes their sketch pads and the scorch marks formed the first ever drawing of Black Vulcan. What I'm trying to say here is that I like Black Vulcan more than I like Black Lightning.

Of course, one thing always stood in Black Vulcan's way to cartoon super stardom: the Man of Steel himself. Superman was spring boarded into cartoon fame by his status as a comic book icon, a privilege Black Vulcan never had. The last laugh is Black Vulcan's though, as he is the more powerful of the two, and could easily take Superman in a fight.

Black Vulcan's powers closely resemble that of a previously listed African American superhero: Monica Rambeau. They both have the power to turn into pure energy, which is a great advantage against Superman, who is a primarily physical hero. This also gives him the ability to move at the speed of light, another great advantage.

So being capable of moving at the speed of light and, as a being of pure energy, also being intangible should make Black Vulcan pretty much immune to Superman. Just in case though, BV has an ace in the hole. Black Vulcan's cotrol of energy is so great that he can actually open rifts in space and time. How even comic-book science can explain this is beyond me. All I know is that he need to travel though time in an episode of Superfriends, so he fluctated his energy until it happened. That's right, Black Vulcan can travel through time at will. Eat that, Superman.

This blog has been Vulcanized!

Next Week: Sinistar

Apocalypse

Apocalypse! Just say it. Apocalypse! It's a powerful, powerful name. Rightly suited for such a powerful dude. In his time (which is eternal by the way. Apocalypse is over 5,000 years old) Apocalypse has defeated gods, been worshiped as a god, and managed to make Angel less gay (probably the most impressive of his accomplishments).

Apocalypse has a lot of powers, which is odd for a mutant, but not odd for a mutant augmented by celestial technology. He is super-strong, invulnerable, capable of instantaneous regeneration, able to absorb and blast energy, telepathic, telekinetic, and has complete control over his own molecular structure, meaning he can alter his size, shape, and density at will. He is also immortal, immune to all disease, and can teleport. He's also a genius, in possession of technology far beyond anything currently in existence (which is actually pretty standard amongst super-villains).

With the ability to alter both his size and density, it isn't too hard to imagine Superman just flying into Apocalypse at super-speed and ending up a super-smear on his chest. That is typically how Superman fights, by just barreling headfirst into things. Not always the best strategy. It's the kind of strategy that gets you splattered against Apocalypse's chest. Even if Superman did manage to defy logic and inflict some minute amount of damage on Apocalypse doing so, Apocalypse would heal instantly anyway. It's sort of odd to have both invulnerability and a healing factor...

Or Apocalypse could take Supes down the old fashioned way, with giant fisticuffs and energy blasts. It would actually be to Apocalypse's advantage to leave Superman unsplattered anyway. Superman would be an awesome Horseman. Much better than Archangel. Archangel sucks.

Next Week: Black Vulcan

Superman

I have not gone insane. Pitting Superman against himself is not the end of this blog forever. By adding Superman to this list I am cleverly illustrating the point that Superman's energy powers were far superior to his regular ones. Yes. These are the words that I am saying. They resonate sharply with truth.

With his classic powers, Superman was a nigh-unstoppable physical force. Powerful yes, but loosely bound but certain physical laws. As a being of pure energy, Superman was free to distribute faster than light justice like a strange blue bolt of righteousness. He had complete control over the entire electromagnetic spectrum! He could absorb any form of energy! He could phase through solid matter! Regular Superman could not touch him!

The outcome to this match would be simple. Electric Superman fucks with regular Superman's electrical synapses and impulses. Regular Superman is rendered catatonic and dies shitting himself in a hospital bed years later. Electric Superman does this at the speed of light, so regular Superman is defenseless.

Should Electric Superman decides he wants to outright destroy Superman, he just draws all the solar energy from Superman's body. This renders Superman powerless and vulnerable to...you know...getting struck by lightning.

Superman vs. Superman! And the winner is...Superman!

Next Week: Apocalypse

Super Sonic

I, like a majority of gamers I imagine, vastly preferred the original Sonic the Hedgehog platform games to the newfangled 3D ones. There are many reasons for this. As a natural born lummox, I crave simplicity in my video games. "That button jumps, these buttons run"are really the only instructions required in a well written manual as far as I am concerned. I don't much care for cut scenes in my games either. They remove you from the action. And one thing I especially dislike about the newer games, however, is the treatment of Super Sonic.

These days an appearance by Super Sonic is pretty much mandated by the game's various narratives. He is built into the plot that way, making using him less rewarding. Back in my day Super Sonic was unbeatable. Even bosses did zero damage to him so long as loyal players kept him supplied with sweet, sweet rings. This invulnerability didn't come easy though. You had to collect all the powerful Chaos Emeralds to unlock this amazing strength. There was no narrative to guide you to all the emeralds either. You had to collect fifty rings on your own time, then for some reason jump though a giant ring and complete the bonus stage. Then you had to do it again six more times. It was difficult to do without beating the game first!

This stands in stark contrast to Superman, who did nothing to earn his amazing powers except be born on another planet. That lazy milksop! Sonic the Hedgehog has to jump through hoops (er...rings) to gain his invincibility and insane speeds! Infuriating!

However, I've never been one to take non-corporeal factors like grit and determination into account in these assessments. So let's examine the facts. Fact: Super Sonic is utterly invincible. Fact: Even the mightiest of Dr. Robotnik's machines is destroyed at the merest tough of Super Sonic's light-infused quills. Fact: Super Sonic has been shown (depending on the game/media) to be faster than any speeding bullet, and occasionally even capable of flight. How could Superman possibly harm something too fast to be touched? And what would he do to this invincible furry juggernaut even if he weren't so, so slow in comparison?

He never had yellow bird lackeys though, that was a Super Tails thing.

Next Week: Superman?!?!

Unicron

See that planet in the picture? No, not the little one. The little one is Lithone. Lithone sucks. I mean the big one. That big planet? The one giving Lithone the ol' stink eye? That is Unicron. That big ass planet is a mother fucking Transformer. The biggest fucking Transformer ever. Unicron eats planet. Not in a lame ass "converts them to energy and then feeds on the energy" way. In a literal chew-their-asses-up-and-swallow way.

Unicron is basically the Transformer devil. Big as shit and hellbent on the destruction of Cybertron, Unicron drifts throught he galaxy and eats everything in his path. He does have a robot form, and when he chooses to don it he is armed to the teeth with all manner of nasty weapons. Not that he needs them. He is the size of a planet! A fucking planet! Superman used to be able to push planets around (pre-crisis, it was stupid) but not planets capable of self-propulsion. Also, not planets that could eat him.

Seriously, what would Superman do to a robot the size of a planet? Unicron has to have redundancy upon redundancy built into his systems, more likely than not just to take up the massive amounts of space one would have in a robot the size of a planet. He also has off the wall defenses inside his body. But mostly he's the size of a planet! Planets are huge! And I don't like to mention it, but Unicron can only be destroyed by the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. Which Superman doesn't have, and (as a non-Autobot Leader) couldn't open if he did.

The only problem facing Unicron in this bout is the fact that Superman is probably too small for him to see. Though he can see regular sized Transformers, which are comparably small. He probably has some pretty decent vision, as he can see events occurring in Autobot City (earth) from deep space. Unicron must possess some evil form of omnipresence or omniscience. Unicron knows things. Evil things.

I like to imagine a scenario in which Unicron rebuilds Metallo into a more menacing robot. Possibly Brainiac as well. Maybe Lex Luthor.

Next Week: Super Sonic

The Borg

I love the way I find loopholes to my own rules. Yes, the Borg do count, as they are not an entire race or army but rather a collective. Many bodies working for the same hive mind, like communism on sick bender. Several billion communists, and the drug is sweet, sweet assimilation.

The Borg have three advantages against Superman. The first is obviously sheer numbers. Superman is much stronger than a normal person, or even a single Borg (Borg cybernetic enhancements make them stronger than regular humans/vulcans/whatevers). But is he stronger than a hundred Borg? Again the answer is yes. A thousand? Sure, more likely than not. A Million? Eh, getting closer. A billion? That's a lot of Borg. There are more than a trillion assimilated humanoids in the Borg collective. A trillion bodies that Superman would have to smash to defeat the Borg.

A trillion Borg to smash if it came to that. Which it probably wouldn't, because Superman would also have to get past their second advantage: Borg technology. Borg technology is centuries past anything lame-ass Brainiac ever came up with, and twice as brutal. The combined techological likenesses of hundreds of assimilated species makes for nasty goodies, not the least of which is the planet sized spaceships they employ. Superman can be as invulnerable as he wants, just makes him a better drone once the Borg pump him with a few pints worth of nano-robots.

However, a particular technological aspect of the Borg makes up advantage 3: adaptation. The Borg, through the benefits of the oft-mentioned hive-mind the trillions of them share, is capable of coming up with amazingly quick adaptations for any situation they might find themselves in. This means that, while Superman may get a few with his super-strong punches and heat vision or whatever, the rest would adapt. Superman has a lot of powers, but he does not have enough to destroy a trillion super-adaptive cyborgs. Imagine the shocked look on his face when the fourth or so Borg drone adapts to his punches! It would probably be the last emotive expression he ever made.

It does not matter how strong or how fast Superman is. All that does is make him a better drone. With numbers in the trillions, technology far beyond anything Superman has ever seen, and all the adaptive qualities of hundreds of assimilated races, Superman is destined to fall before the Borg. I guess what they say is true, resistance IS futile.

Next Week: Unicron

Gladiator

Okay, I admit it. When I first conceived this entry I had Superman fighting General Maximus Decimus Meridius from Ridley Scott's epic film. And you know what? Russel Crowe would have fucking won!

Let it not be said that I am too blind to see what is set before me. I know Gladiator for what he is. I am aware of his origins, both factious and fictitious. I know that Gladiator is nothing more than a pastiche of Superman (though technically Gladiator is based on Mon-El and Superboy, same difference I know). His real name is even Kallark for Christ's sake! However, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery in this case, as Superman has the distinction of being the inspiration for one of the most kick-ass characters in the Marvel Universe.

Gladiator shares all the powers of Superman. He's capable of flying faster than light in the vacuum of space, and he once punched the Juggernaut across the planet. No small feat right? He has survived energies on par with exploding suns and all his senses are on par with Superman's as well. He has heat vision too.

Okay, so by all accounts they seem evenly matched. But what gives Gladiator the edge is fact that Gladiator's powers are linked to his own self-confidence. the more smug and holier-than-thou Gladiator's attitude gets, the more powerful he becomes. It has been stated pretty much plain as day that Gladiator can overcome any foe as long as he simply believes he can. Has anyone though to simply tell Gladiator this? That as long as he maintained a positive outlook he would be essentially unbeatable? Seems like a no-brainer. Knowing I was invincible would definitely do wonders for my self-confidence.

That is why Superman's flamboyance is Gladiator's advantage. Think about it. Who would look at Superman's ridiculous, mildly homosexual costume and think to themselves "This guy could be tough?" Seriously, super-intimidation is not one of Superman's powers.

Next Week: The Borg