Cthulhu

This is the entry that I very nearly didn't write. I was very close to swapping Cthulhu out for someone else (probably Unicron). The problem I ran into was the lack of any real assessment of Cthulhu's capabilities in the source material. I know that Cthulhu is way powerful, but rarely in my (admittedly limited) experience with the works of Lovecraft is the power of Cthulhu shown firsthand. I promise to amend this later, but blogs need to be written.

However, drawing upon what little knowledge I do have, I can see him easily defeating Superman. First, Cthulhu is telepathic. He communicates with and exerts control over his followers wherever in the world they may be. For all his power Superman is relatively defenseless against telepathic assaults. This typically doesn't become an issue for Superman because being able to attack his mind doesn't protect you from a superfast punch in the face.

Even if the type of telepathy Cthulhu seems to have isn't necessarily the kind one would typically attack another person with, it is well documented the affect the mind of Cthulhu has on the minds of lesser beings. People go insane after mere moments in his presence. Imagine what would happen to someone who actually tried to fight him.

It is also important to note that Cthulhu cannot be killed. He has survived for countless years, hibernating in the sunken city of R'lyeh. Cthulhu is capable of healing mundane injuries almost instantly, and has used his magic (the same magic that will bring him and his star-spawn back when the end comes) to survive intact the end of entire civilizations.

Cthulhu is also a powerful physical being. Big as a mountain, with imposing claws and wings. Cthulhu isn't known to be abnormally strong to my knowledge, but his epic stature gives him a bit of an advantage against a human-sized adversary.

So when the stars are right and Cthulhu slithers and slinks his way out of the sunken city of R'lyeh, awakening his subjects and the other Old Ones to reduce the earth to a chaotic wasteland of self-gratification and chaos-fueled revelry I hope no one counts on Superman to save them. Superman may get in some good shots, he may even win the day. But when the stars are right again and Cthulhu returns once more, Superman will have been already been driven insane by the dark power of the great dead beast.

Next week: Raiden

The Void

It is impossible for me to write this article without at least mentioning The Sentry. The Sentry very much parallels Superman, but could not beat him in a fight. I do believe that The Sentry has the powers it would take to beat Superman, but I don't believe that a fight between the two would see Sentry the winner. It has been said that the powers of The Sentry are unlimited, but that is not true. The Sentry's powers are limited by his fucked up mind.

The Sentry possesses god-like powers. He is just as strong, fast, and tough as superman, but also has an enhanced "state of consiousness." He controls light, various types of energy, and has been shown to possess incredible telepathic powers. Unfortunately, especially in the case of his telepathic powers, he has shown remarkably poor control over his assorted superhuman abilities. He has only used his telepathic powers twice under his own power. Once subconsiously, and once under the control of Mastermind.

The Sentry's mind is such a jumbled mess that not only could he not weild his total power against Superman, but there is a good chance he wouldn't even get out of bed to fight. His incredible agoraphobia and borderline schizophrenia make his every action an uncertainty. When cajoled into action against his will, he is more a of a liability than an asset in battle. When prodded into battle against the Hulk, he quickly proved to be a more devastating presence than the green goliath himself.

Big crazy Sentry has such poor control over his own awesome power that his twisted subconsious uses it to manifest itself as The Void, The Sentry's dark antithesis. Where the Sentry is weak, the Void is strong. A creeping mass of pure evil, the Void uses all the power at his disposal the torture, maim, and destroy everyone the Sentry cares about. The Void has all the powers of The Sentry, without any of the crippling neurosis. He even has a few violent extras like umbrakinesis and what appears to be some form of shapeshifting.

It is a lot like that book Sphere by Michael Crichton. The Sentry has more than enough power to take out Superman, but can only wield it subconsiously as The Void. The Void went ten rounds with the combined might of the Inhumans, the X-Men, Namor, the Avengers, and the Fantastic Four. It looked like he was going to win too until the Sentry showed up.

Next Week: Cthulhu

Alucard

99% of all vampires are totally gay. Thankfully, 99% of the world's awesomeness comes from the remaining 1%. That 1% is Alucard (also 30 Days of Night). He dresses kind of like a fruit, but he remains one badass fella. Single handedly makes up for all those kids I have to see at the mall, with their thick eyeliner and role-playing games.

Superman would make quick work out of any ordinary vampire. As a rule, they tend to be too effeminate to put up much of a fight. Not that it would help if they did fight, immortality is more of a burden than a blessing against someone strong enough to rip off your head and shove it up your ass. Alucard is far from any normal vampire however. He is known as the Ultimate Vampire, which is as spot-on as they make nicknames anymore. He sports all the typical vampire accoutrement, with a few especially nasty extras. He also carries two huge weapons, but neither are capable of harming Superman. Alucard's vampiric powers are what tip the balance in his favor here (as long as he is released to level zero,which I see no reason why he wouldn't be).

Provided Alucard doesn't decide to simply take control of Superman's mind (sex beam!) he would more likely than not rely on his familiars to win this battle. Imagine the scariest fucking things you have ever seen in your life, cast vaguely in the shapes of dogs (but they don't really have to be dogs I hear) that don't do anything but tear the shit out of whatever happens to be irking Alucard at the moment. These are typically what Alucard seems to use in his tougher fights. He has other options though. I don't believe Alucard is strong or fast enough to physically defeat Superman, but he other powers including but not limited to telekinesis, telepathy, umbrakinesis, intangibility, shape shifting, and teleportation. He also has insane regenerative powers. Alucard is capable of reviving himself from little more than a puddle of blood (a regeneration factor rivaled only by Lobo's). Coupled with his vampire-given immortality pretty much means Alucard will be sucking the last drop of blood out of the last surviving member of the human race.

Though he has amplified vampiric powers, he shares very few of their weaknesses. Sunlight doesn't seem to bother him. He recovered from a beheading at the hands of an irishman. I doubt a stake through the heart would affect him much. He can only be damaged by the most powerful of christian artifacts, which Superman does not have access to any more so than Alucard has access to kryptonite. Superman could always try throwing Alucard into the sun, but frankly I would worry less about what that would do to Alucard and more about what that would do to the sun. For some reason I have chilling visions of the sun as a giant, sinister eyeball, whose dark acknowledgement would surely destroy us all.

Next Week: The Void

The Lich King

Arthas is teh 1337. He would wtfpwn Supern00b. ROFLOL!!!1!!!!1!1! YA RLY! Athas is wai po\/\/erphul.

Typically when I consider someone for this illustrious list I don't account for anything in the way of subordinates. That would make it too easy for me to resort to using entire supergroups or armies, which is not the point of this list. I make this concession for Arthas however, and there is a very special reason. Unlike other famous leaders such as Napoleon or Dr. Doom (neither of whom could beat Superman in a fight) the Lich King's army is one completely of his own creation. He rose his soldiers, monsters, and zombie dragons from the dead under his own power, and they possess no minds of their own. They aren't sentient beings the same way you and I are, they function only as extensions of the Lich King's will. It is true that some of them retain aspects of their personality, some even resist him, but a majority of his minions only shamble their way towards the enemy at the whim and command of their ghoulish king. In other words, when General Petraeus commands an army it isn't a superpower, but when Arthas commands an army of the undead which he raised himself it counts.

So when Superman fights the Lich King he basically has to fight his way through a countless number of death knights, flesh giants, and frost wyrms as well as contend with the magical powers of Arthas' wights, wraiths, and lichs. This is in addition to the massive power of the Lich King himself.

It certainly doesn't help that the Lich King (and his entire army for that matter) is a completely magical being. For those not in the know, magic is one of the few things Superman is not invulnerable to, meaning Frostmourne rends Superman's flesh as easily it rends the flesh of any other lesser being. This also makes Superman vulnerable to the magical attacks of the Lich King's army of undead necromancers, and the variety of buffs and debuffs Arthas himself no doubt possesses.

On a more chilling note, it also makes Superman vulnerable to the magical undeath plague the Lich King uses to destroy and resurrect his undead cronies. So after this fight it looks like Stratholme has a tough new boss. I hope he drops phat l00tz. Zombie Superman FTL.

Next Week: Alucard