Monday, December 22, 2008

Santa Claus

Chosen by God as the bastion of holiday generosity, Santa Claus has gone by many alias' over the centuries: Chris Kringle, Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas, etc...But whatever you choose to call him know that while he may be known for dispensing presents to good little boys and girls on Christmas day, he is also fully capable of dispensing death to his adversaries all year long.

Many people may think me crazy for including Santa here, or perhaps merely overcome with Christmas cheer, let us take a second to examine the physics behind Santa. While the precise mathematics behind it are somewhat boring, it can be roughly determined that in order to visit every gentile boy and girl on the planet Santa would have to travel at least three thousand times the speed of sound in order to get it done in the allotted 31 hours. Plus, a conservative estimate places to size of Santa's payload at around 350,000 tons (I say conservative because, according to my Dad, kids are spoiled these days).

Keep close in mind Santa's two most obvious advantages in this confrontation. First, Santa is omniscient. He sees Superman when he's sleeping and knows when Superman is awake. There is no possible way for Superman to surprise Santa. Santa knows all Superman's tricks.

Santa's second and admittedly most blunt advantage is that you just know someone asked for kryptonite this year. I know I did.

Next Week: Gladiator

Monday, December 15, 2008

TETSUOOOOO!

I did some Internet research. That is the correct pronunciation of TETSUOOOOO! I tried to do some research on Tetsuo's powers as well, but got distracted by Anime Music Videos splicing Akira clips with Korn and Linkin Park songs. I did manage to learn that Tetsuo is "a freak on a leash" and is also "crawling in my skin."

A few weeks ago I highlighted another power telekinetic, Mewtwo, and incorrectly stated that being a world class telekinetic was not enough on it's own to defeat Superman. Either I was gravely mistaken or Tetsuo drastically redefines what a "world class" telekinetic is. When you can use your telepathy to catch rockets and shield yourself from the ensuing explosions, that is world class. Telekinesis powerful enough to propel you into space and protect you from the vacuous non-atmosphere is world class. As an added plus, he also has the power to graft inorganic matter to his body in order to heal wounds. Could be handy. I am of the opinion that this power makes Tetsuo pretty much unbeatable, since once he deforms into that giant flesh monster he takes considerable damage with dying or relenting, though that point is debatable.

So Superman charges Tetsuo at full speed. All Tetsuo has to do is catch Superman mid-air rip his guts out from the inside...with his mind! Now, Tetsuo is fast enough and powerful enough to catch a rocket, but this doesn't necessarily make him fast and powerful enough to catch Superman. Doesn't really matter though, any damage Tetsuo should happen to sustain is repaired easily enough...with his mind! Seriously, Tetsuo got his arm blown off. Made a new one out of stuff lying around.

The hard part for Tetsuo is defeating Superman without turning into a gigantic, fleshy, organ monster. That thing freaks me right the fuck out!

Next Week: Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Freddy Krueger*


For a split second I debated putting Dr. Destiny on this list. Then I figured if I wanted to put a character on this list with power over dreams, I would put the one that wasn't the stupidest character ever created. Dr. Destiny sucks. His name is terrible and his costume in generic. Oooh! A skull face! Eat a dick Dr. Destiny. Even his episode in the Justice League cartoon was awful, and that's hard to do.

Moving on, notice that the title of this entry is Freddy Krueger with an asterisk. Next the that asterisk will read "if Freddy Krueger can pull his head out of his ass for five minutes and just fucking kill someone already," which isn't to say that Freddy Krueger isn't powerful, or that he isn't good at killing. All I'm trying to say is that I like to give credit where credit is due, and I would never say that Superman is incapable of something that a dozen teenage girls have done before him. Freddy Krueger is pretty much invincible in the dream world, provided he doesn't make physical contact with the person he is in the process of killing, which gives them the opportunity to wake up, pull him into the real world, and kick his ass like Jason Voorhees did. So Freddy Krueger does have an exploitable weakness.

However, by absolutely no means does Freddy need to make physical contact with anyone to harm them. He once turned a girl into a roach, trapped her inside a giant roach motel, and just crushed the shit out of it. Didn't come into physical contact with her at all. True, that was one of the lamer deaths in the series, but the point remains valid. Freddy never has to manifest himself anywhere near Supes. He could just trap him in some magically inescapable death trap. Or just cut the crap and kill him. Superman falls asleep. Freddy shows up and kills him from a safe distance. Freddy's reality warping dream powers keep Superman from busting out the kryptonian speed, and Freddy just strecthes out a long sharp dream claw and shanks Superman. Fight over. If Freddy doesn't french it up with fancy scare tactics or elaborate dream sequences it would be a very easy fight for him.

In summation, as long as Freddy didn't try to do anything too cute this would be a very easy fight, but I said the same thing before Freddy Vs. Jason as well though and we all know how that turned out.

Next Week: Tetsuo Shima

Monday, December 1, 2008

Firelord


Before anyone asks, I am not of the opinion that all of Galactus' heralds can beat Superman in a fight. Silver Surfer is a given. Firelord certainly. Maybe Terrax. I could see Stardust possibly winning. Red Shift, Air Walker, Morg, and Nova all suck hard.

Lots of people mistake Firelord for a simple fire elemental, like the Human Torch or any of the other half million fire manipulating super-folk. If that were true Firelord would have a bit of a problem flying through space at the speed of light finding planets for Galactus. Firelord is more akin to a human star than a Human Torch. He can manipulate energies even greater than that of mere fire. In addition to the stellar plasma that makes up his form, Firelord has control over the forces of both light and gravity (amongst other things that I imagine would prove less useful). Begs the question, if he has the properties of a living sun and controls light, couldn't he make himself like a RED living sun, thus robbing Superman of his powers? Not that Firelord would really know to do it, but he probably could. He is drawn red half the time anyway. Also, as a herald of Galactus he is both nigh invulnerable and capable moving faster than light (all the heralds that matter can).

Of course, being a living sun doesn't automatically prove that one can destroy Superman. Remember Solaris? Well, Firelord isn't a gay living sun like Solaris. Anyway, Superman flies through stars all the time. Sometimes this proves harmful (All-Star Superman, even though he didn't actually die from it. Just thought he was gonna) and sometimes he doesn't give it a second thought (Infinite Crisis). Being a living, sentient sun that can move faster than the speed of light is what gives Firelord the advantage. Superman couldn't lay a hand on Firelord, giving Firelord all the time he would need to pelt him with the countless numbers of radiation at his disposal as a living sun.

I believe many misconceptions about Firelord's powers stem from his name. "Firelord" is an awesome name and Marvel comics was lucky to snap it up, but it really doesn't do Firelord a lot of justice. Makes him sound like a dollar store Human Torch, when in reality he is an ass-kicking living sun (a living sun who is sometimes red). And he could beat Superman in a fight.

Next Week: Freddy Krueger

Monday, November 24, 2008

Mewtwo

Yeah, I'm 24 and I like Pokemon. Want to try and make something of it? Not that I'd fight you of course. I'm a 24 year old man who likes Pokemon, I've never been in an actual fight in my life. Besides, it's not lame to like Mewtwo. He is the most powerful Pokemon ever, and was included in Super Smash Brothers: Melee, which was the most awesome fighting game ever. He sucked in it, but I imagine it would be hard to translate Mewtwo's tremendous power accurately into a fighting game. He's better than Lucario anyways.

Mewtwo has appeared in so many mediums (just so it is known, I'm basing this article primarily on his appearance in the anime) it is hard to establish exactly what his powers are, but in every incarnation Mewtwo's power lies in his vast mental capacities. No, I ain't talking book learnin.' Mewtwo is a world class telepath and telekinetic. Just being one or the other wouldn't help here. Charles Xavier, for example, could not beat Superman despite his vast telepathic powers. This is because telepathy wouldn't protect Prof. X from Superman's speed and power, his body would be vulnerable. A straight telekinetic could offer a limited defense against Superman, but unless he was abnormally powerful would not be able to overcome him (I'm said many bad things about Supes here, but in reality he would be a dominating physical threat).

Only the combination of the two could beat Superman. Someone would could attack Superman telepathically (which Manchester Black tells us has worked very well in the past) but can offer up a defense long enough for it to matter. Mewtwo lacks the speed to use his telekinesis effectively against Superman, but makes up all the offense he needs with his telepathy. Also, if we regard the video game appearances, then Mewtwo also has the ability to erect barriers to defend himself and the ability to recover from wounds rapidly (costs a turn though). He is also shown to able to refelct certain attacks back at the attacker. He kicked the shit out of a Gyarados that way in the movie.

If Superman were a Pokemon, what type would he be? I'm willing to bet he'd be Fighting, which would give Mewtwo an advantage. I hope you enjoyed this article, it cost me all my street cred!

Next Week: Firelord

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Destroyah


Contrary to popular belief, Destroyah did not kill Godzilla. Godzilla suffered a catastrophic meltdown during his fight with Destroyah, which killed him. Actually, Destroyah holds the distinction of being one of the few of Godzilla's antagonists to be killed by the Japanese military. They used one of their apparently numerous super-weapons though, so I guess it doesn't matter. Plus Godzilla's son (the lamest kaiju since Gorosaurus) helped a bit. Fucking Minya!

Destroyah is easily capable of beating Superman though. The difference between Japan's super-weapon and Superman is that a super-weapon is not an organic being. Destroyah's amazing energy attacks possess the properties of the Oxygen Destroyer, the original super-weapon which put Godzilla down in 1954. It causes a chemical reaction which...destroys oxygen. Sure to ruin the day of anything which requires oxygen to live. It's true that Superman can hold his breath a long time, but having all the oxygen in your body destroyed isn't the same as having the air sucked out of your lungs. Having all the oxygen in your body destroyed would pretty much kill you immediately.

Destroyah has other useful powers as well. He can split himself into smaller monsters (a process which also heals any wounds he might receive), change shapes, and...well, I guess destroying oxygen is his real ace in the hole. He's big though! Being big is an advantage against Superman, as I have explained in like three different entries by now.

Destroyah fought Godzilla to a standstill when Godzilla was at the peak of his power. When Godzilla was burning with so much radiation his own fucking bones were melting. And Destroyah may have been killed by the Japanese military, but at least he didn't get killed by Doomsday (who I maintain to this day is a poor man's Incredible Hulk).

Next Week: Mewtwo

Monday, November 10, 2008

Q


I could not for the life of me find a picture where Q looked the least bit impressive. Every picture of Q on the entire Internet just looks like John de Lancie being a smug dick.

This blog is going to suck severely. Even more so than the Dr. Manhattan blog. This means I have somehow managed to find a character even more unreasonably powerful than Dr. Manhattan. I can hardly believe it even as I type it with my own two hands. Q is terribly powerful. He eats suns and shits supernovas.

Q can quite literally do anything he wants. Appear in any form, alter any matter, and conjure any force, energy, or material from thin air. He fucks space and time in the ass. The guy can rearrange reality with less effort than it takes Superman to fart (granted, that fart would level cities. Q's fart would actually create worlds).

The fight between Superman and Q would take much less time than it takes me to write about it here. Q decides to kick Superman's ass. Superman suddenly finds his ass kicked. That is pretty much the whole fight. Q is likely to confront Superman physically beforehand as Q certainly values a bit of showmanship in the use of his godly powers, but this is by no means necessary. There is no possible advantage for Superman to gain. Q decides where (anywhere in existence and maybe a few places Q has to create himself from scratch) and when (literally, as in any time in the history of creation, again unless he decide es to create a new one from scratch) the battle takes place. Q has no vulnerabilities, and can only be harmed by unspecified means employed by fellow Q. Q may decide to play mind games with Superman, as he does with individuals he deems interesting, but they always play out in Q's favor. Q has an IQ of 2005 and pretty extensive knowledge of the breadth of creation, Supes cannot outsmart him.

It strikes me suddenly that Q is like a less stupid version of Mr. Mxyzptlk. Mxy uses his unlimited power to be a two dimensional character, while Q uses his to be super cool and also a little bit deep.

Next Week: Destroyah

Friday, November 7, 2008

Super-Skrull

I can explain Super-Skrull's superiority to Superman with a simple mathematic equation. Skrulls are superior to humans. At least 2.5 times better. So if a regular skrull is that much better than a person, it is only logical that a Super-Skrull is 2.5 time sbetter than a Superman. Simple mathematics. If Skrull > Man, and Super=(X)100, (Skrull)100>(Man)100. Math people.

Of course, not everyone subscribes to the logical reason of a brilliant mathematical equation, so I will break it down further. Super-Skrull possesses the combined superpowers of the Fantastic Four, plus he can hypnotize people. Also, as a skrull he is a natural shape shifter. All these powers work together to form a being that could defeat Superman with fairly little trouble.

Thing is, no single member of the Fantastic Four alone could defeat Superman. Even the four of them at the same time probably couldn't do it. The Thing and Mr. Fantastic (thanks to his elasticity) could take a few hits from him without biting it, but they lack the power to actually do any damage to him. The Invisible Woman could form a tiny force field inside his brain, killing him instantly, but she couldn't take any hits from him and Superman is way too fast for her to protect herself using the fields. The Human Torch would be pretty ineffectual in all respects, save the ability to fly his powers grant Kl'rt. A nova flame might slow Supes down momentarily but probably wouldn't kill him.

However, all these powers combined with Super-Skrull's combat training, shape shifting, and hypnosis make for a nigh-unstoppable force. Kl'rt's elasticity (which basically makes it impossible to land a solid blow against him, it'd be like punching a sponge for Clarky), strength, and force fields would buy him the time he needed to use his invisible force fields to either rip Superman apart from the inside or cause a stroke-inducing blockage in his brain, putting Superman down but good. Or to possibly hypnotize Superman into gouging his own eyes out with a kryptonite fork. Should Superman actually make that killing blow, Super-Skrull would just move his vital organs out of the way.

Of course, in a post-Secret Invasion world, it is possible to conceive a Super-Skrull containing any conglomeration of the powers of Marvel's heroes. I imagine the one most easily capable of beating Superman would be a Silver Surfer/Thor/Monica Rambeau/Sentry combo. God that would be a short fight.

Next Week: Q

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Raiden


The power of Raiden is grossly misrepresented in the Mortal Kombat franchise. This is because fighting games rely on balance. One character can't be significantly more powerful than the other, even if that character is a frickin' god. That would defeat the purpose of playing as any of the other characters. Thus, Raiden is doomed to slum about with the likes of Johnny Cage and Kurtis Stryker, the true limits of his power untested forever.

Outside the constraints of the typical fighting game engine, Raiden would be a force to be reckoned with. Like Thor without a hammer (though does sometimes use a staff and is sometimes seen with a scabbard, indicating some sort of sword), Raiden's mix of god-given immortality and mastery of lightening would make short work of Superman.

Raiden possesses all the talents necessary to defeat Superman, as demonstrated in the moves he wields in the games themselves, if not by the way they are portrayed for purposes of game balance. He can convert his body to energy for purposes of teleportation and transportation, generate amazing amounts of energy from his body (as well as summoning it from the heavens), and he knows kung-fu. Plus, as an immortal, he has been fighting cosmic battles against powerful entities since way before Superman shucked his first corn-husk on Pa Kent's hick farm.

The clincher is that, while he can be physically defeated, as a god his mortal shell means nothing. His godly essence will re-coalesce itself inevitably, as it did most notably after Raiden seemingly destroyed himself attempting to defeat Onaga before the events of Mortal Kombat: Deception. That attack would have totally worked against Superman by the way, being magical and all. Raiden's magical nature pretty much ensures that only a powerful sorcerer or fellow elder god has a hope of defeating him permanently.

Not that it would really come to that. Captain Marvel has kicked Superman's ass so many times with magic god-lightening that I'm surprised Superman hasn't taken to rubberizing his underpants-on-the-outside costume.

Next Week: Super-Skrull

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Cthulhu


This is the entry that I very nearly didn't write. I was very close to swapping Cthulhu out for someone else (probably Unicron). The problem I ran into was the lack of any real assessment of Cthulhu's capabilities in the source material. I know that Cthulhu is way powerful, but rarely in my (admittedly limited) experience with the works of Lovecraft is the power of Cthulhu shown firsthand. I promise to amend this later, but blogs need to be written.

However, drawing upon what little knowledge I do have, I can see him easily defeating Superman. First, Cthulhu is telepathic. He communicates with and exerts control over his followers wherever in the world they may be. For all his power Superman is relatively defenseless against telepathic assaults. This typically doesn't become an issue for Superman because being able to attack his mind doesn't protect you from a superfast punch in the face.

Even if the type of telepathy Cthulhu seems to have isn't necessarily the kind one would typically attack another person with, it is well documented the affect the mind of Cthulhu has on the minds of lesser beings. People go insane after mere moments in his presence. Imagine what would happen to someone who actually tried to fight him.

It is also important to note that Cthulhu cannot be killed. He has survived for countless years, hibernating in the sunken city of R'lyeh. Cthulhu is capable of healing mundane injuries almost instantly, and has used his magic (the same magic that will bring him and his star-spawn back when the end comes) to survive intact the end of entire civilizations.

Cthulhu is also a powerful physical being. Big as a mountain, with imposing claws and wings. Cthulhu isn't known to be abnormally strong to my knowledge, but his epic stature gives him a bit of an advantage against a human-sized adversary.

So when the stars are right and Cthulhu slithers and slinks his way out of the sunken city of R'lyeh, awakening his subjects and the other Old Ones to reduce the earth to a chaotic wasteland of self-gratification and chaos-fueled revelry I hope no one counts on Superman to save them. Superman may get in some good shots, he may even win the day. But when the stars are right again and Cthulhu returns once more, Superman will have been already been driven insane by the dark power of the great dead beast.

Next week: Raiden

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The Void


It is impossible for me to write this article without at least mentioning The Sentry. The Sentry very much parallels Superman, but could not beat him in a fight. I do believe that The Sentry has the powers it would take to beat Superman, but I don't believe that a fight between the two would see Sentry the winner. It has been said that the powers of The Sentry are unlimited, but that is not true. The Sentry's powers are limited by his fucked up mind.

The Sentry possesses god-like powers. He is just as strong, fast, and tough as superman, but also has an enhanced "state of consiousness." He controls light, various types of energy, and has been shown to possess incredible telepathic powers. Unfortunately, especially in the case of his telepathic powers, he has shown remarkably poor control over his assorted superhuman abilities. He has only used his telepathic powers twice under his own power. Once subconsiously, and once under the control of Mastermind.

The Sentry's mind is such a jumbled mess that not only could he not weild his total power against Superman, but there is a good chance he wouldn't even get out of bed to fight. His incredible agoraphobia and borderline schizophrenia make his every action an uncertainty. When cajoled into action against his will, he is more a of a liability than an asset in battle. When prodded into battle against the Hulk, he quickly proved to be a more devastating presence than the green goliath himself.

Big crazy Sentry has such poor control over his own awesome power that his twisted subconsious uses it to manifest itself as The Void, The Sentry's dark antithesis. Where the Sentry is weak, the Void is strong. A creeping mass of pure evil, the Void uses all the power at his disposal the torture, maim, and destroy everyone the Sentry cares about. The Void has all the powers of The Sentry, without any of the crippling neurosis. He even has a few violent extras like umbrakinesis and what appears to be some form of shapeshifting.

It is a lot like that book Sphere by Michael Crichton. The Sentry has more than enough power to take out Superman, but can only wield it subconsiously as The Void. The Void went ten rounds with the combined might of the Inhumans, the X-Men, Namor, the Avengers, and the Fantastic Four. It looked like he was going to win too until the Sentry showed up.

Next Week: Cthulhu

Monday, October 6, 2008

Alucard


99% of all vampires are totally gay. Thankfully, 99% of the world's awesomeness comes from the remaining 1%. That 1% is Alucard (also 30 Days of Night). He dresses kind of like a fruit, but he remains one badass fella. Single handedly makes up for all those kids I have to see at the mall, with their thick eyeliner and role-playing games.

Superman would make quick work out of any ordinary vampire. As a rule, they tend to be too effeminate to put up much of a fight. Not that it would help if they did fight, immortality is more of a burden than a blessing against someone strong enough to rip off your head and shove it up your ass. Alucard is far from any normal vampire however. He is known as the Ultimate Vampire, which is as spot-on as they make nicknames anymore. He sports all the typical vampire accoutrement, with a few especially nasty extras. He also carries two huge weapons, but neither are capable of harming Superman. Alucard's vampiric powers are what tip the balance in his favor here (as long as he is released to level zero,which I see no reason why he wouldn't be).

Provided Alucard doesn't decide to simply take control of Superman's mind (sex beam!) he would more likely than not rely on his familiars to win this battle. Imagine the scariest fucking things you have ever seen in your life, cast vaguely in the shapes of dogs (but they don't really have to be dogs I hear) that don't do anything but tear the shit out of whatever happens to be irking Alucard at the moment. These are typically what Alucard seems to use in his tougher fights. He has other options though. I don't believe Alucard is strong or fast enough to physically defeat Superman, but he other powers including but not limited to telekinesis, telepathy, umbrakinesis, intangibility, shape shifting, and teleportation. He also has insane regenerative powers. Alucard is capable of reviving himself from little more than a puddle of blood (a regeneration factor rivaled only by Lobo's). Coupled with his vampire-given immortality pretty much means Alucard will be sucking the last drop of blood out of the last surviving member of the human race.

Though he has amplified vampiric powers, he shares very few of their weaknesses. Sunlight doesn't seem to bother him. He recovered from a beheading at the hands of an irishman. I doubt a stake through the heart would affect him much. He can only be damaged by the most powerful of christian artifacts, which Superman does not have access to any more so than Alucard has access to kryptonite. Superman could always try throwing Alucard into the sun, but frankly I would worry less about what that would do to Alucard and more about what that would do to the sun. For some reason I have chilling visions of the sun as a giant, sinister eyeball, whose dark acknowledgement would surely destroy us all.

Next Week: The Void

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The Lich King

Arthas is teh 1337. He would wtfpwn Supern00b. ROFLOL!!!1!!!!1!1! YA RLY! Athas is wai po\/\/erphul.

Typically when I consider someone for this illustrious list I don't account for anything in the way of subordinates. That would make it too easy for me to resort to using entire supergroups or armies, which is not the point of this list. I make this concession for Arthas however, and there is a very special reason. Unlike other famous leaders such as Napoleon or Dr. Doom (neither of whom could beat Superman in a fight) the Lich King's army is one completely of his own creation. He rose his soldiers, monsters, and zombie dragons from the dead under his own power, and they possess no minds of their own. They aren't sentient beings the same way you and I are, they function only as extensions of the Lich King's will. It is true that some of them retain aspects of their personality, some even resist him, but a majority of his minions only shamble their way towards the enemy at the whim and command of their ghoulish king. In other words, when General Petraeus commands an army it isn't a superpower, but when Arthas commands an army of the undead which he raised himself it counts.

So when Superman fights the Lich King he basically has to fight his way through a countless number of death knights, flesh giants, and frost wyrms as well as contend with the magical powers of Arthas' wights, wraiths, and lichs. This is in addition to the massive power of the Lich King himself.

It certainly doesn't help that the Lich King (and his entire army for that matter) is a completely magical being. For those not in the know, magic is one of the few things Superman is not invulnerable to, meaning Frostmourne rends Superman's flesh as easily it rends the flesh of any other lesser being. This also makes Superman vulnerable to the magical attacks of the Lich King's army of undead necromancers, and the variety of buffs and debuffs Arthas himself no doubt possesses.

On a more chilling note, it also makes Superman vulnerable to the magical undeath plague the Lich King uses to destroy and resurrect his undead cronies. So after this fight it looks like Stratholme has a tough new boss. I hope he drops phat l00tz. Zombie Superman FTL.

Next Week: Alucard

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Dr. Manhattan


It was only a matter of time before we saw a penis on this website, I'm just glad it's Dr. Manhattan's. He has the most powerful penis in the world.

This is no doubt going to be a short blog, as I doubt even the most die-hard Superman fan will dispute the inevitable outcome of this confrontation. If Superman is "more powerful than a locomotive" then Dr. Manhattan is more powerful than a circular particle accelerator. With a list of superpowers rivaling that of Jesus Christ himself, Dr. Manhattan has the ability to destroy Superman in just about any way possible.

If the good Doctor decided not to take the easy way out by simply pulling Superman apart atom by atom right off the bat, he could always use his knowledge of the future to predict Superman's every move and counteract it suitably. Also, I don't believe it is too farfetched to assume that Manhattan could just look at Superman and deduce his weakness to kryptonite radiation, and then turn the entire planet into kryptonite.

The clincher is that even if Dr. Manhattan didn't have a million and one ways to kill Superman, Supes still wouldn't be able to beat him. Dr. Manhattan survived having his body's intrinsic field removed, a process that split his body into a billion subatomic particles. What could Superman do that could possibly be any worse than that? The guy takes the word "invincible" to ridiculous new heights.

Next Week: Arthas Menethil, The Lich King

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Godzilla


People like to quote half truths and bizarre pseudoscience when defending Superman from my verbal assaults. I like to counter with Godzilla, the most scientifically impossible character ever. If Godzilla really existed he wouldn't be able to step foot on dry land without breaking every bone in his body and rupturing all his blood vessels. If Superman really existed he wouldn't look anything like a human and probably would have been burned alive by closed-minded bumpkins Ma and Pa Kent.

Let us revisit and old article, namely the second one, where I had Superman square off against the original Ultraman. I made mention of Ultraman's bones, skin, and muscles, and how they would have to be hundreds of times stronger than a normal man's just to enable him to walk on dry land, let alone fight space monsters. The same is true for Godzilla, who is even stronger than Ultraman for his size. Bones stronger than the strongest substance known to man, blood vessels slightly less so but still quite strong, and muscles like a wet adamantium weave are all necessities for survival for Godzilla.

Godzilla also has an atomic fire burning in his belly, which manifests itself most notably as the amazing nuclear beam he periodically bombards his adversaries with. In the past Godzilla has used this beam to do everything from melting diamonds to blasting meteors out of the sky (he also once used it to fly, but I don't like to think about that). It is hot enough to scour the flesh from Superman's bones.

Of course, my favorite outcome to this tussle is the most obvious one. Godzilla eats Superman.

Next Week: Dr. Manhattan

Monday, September 8, 2008

Captain Marvel/Photon

I tricked you again! You thought I meant Shazam (I call him Shazam because only Marvel can have a Captain Marvel), but I meant super-awesome Monica Rambeau! Monica Rambeau is not just the world's most powerful female superhero, she is the world's most powerful female anything! Also, hotter than the sun. She doesn't go by Captain Marvel anymore, so I guess I can forgive you for your mistake.

Monica Rambeau has the power to convert her body into any kind of energy in the electromagnetic spectrum and a few that aren't. On top of this, when exposed to a new type of energy, her body can assimilate it and absorb it. She used this to great effect against Green Lantern in their singular encounter. The important thing to remember is that in her energy form she is not only intangible, but without mass completely. Few physical forces, and none at Superman's disposal, can affect her in this form and she can move at the speed of light if the particular energy in question is light.

Given her ability to absorb energy, it is not unlikely that her fight with Superman would be a very short one. Should circumstances go her way, she could absorb all the solar energy stored within Superman's body, much in the same way she drained Green Lantern's ring. However, this would require that Superman use his heat vision against her, which isn't really a given. It's likely since Superman is relatively low on options against an opponent he can't touch, but not a given.

The more likely situation finds Monica Rambeau bombarding Superman with a multitude of different radiations until she finds one that sticks. Superman is invulnerable to most types of energy, but electricity has worked against him in the past. She has all the time in the world to find one though. It's not like Superman can do shit to her.

This is one instance where maybe Superman would fare better in his lame electric blue guise. I couldn't tell you which one would end up absorbing the other. I imagine they would both end up in their human forms and have a bare knuckle brawl. Rambeau was in the Harbor Patrol, which I guess is sort of like the military, so she would have the advantage there.

Next Week: Godzilla

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Captain Planet


Captain Planet, he's your hero. Admit it fucker! Superman fans can rejoice this week, as I somehow managed to find an opponent even lamer than he is. Lame as he may be however, he is also very powerful. Powerful enough to beat Superman for sure. Just let Cap find Superman threatening the earth's delicate ecosystems. He would unleash his green wrath on the man of steel, then use his body for enviro-friendly compost.

Along such mainstays as super-strength and flight, Captain Planet has the power to command and transmute his body into the various elements that form his being-earth, fire, wind, water, and for some reason heart-making him as formidable as he is environmentally conscious. Superman can't land the big punch on a guy who can turn into wind!

Of course, Cap would still have to think of a way to actually defeat Superman...He could drown him by turning his fist into water and sticking it down Supe's throat, or he could have the earth open up and swallow Superman. Could he alter the earth's atmosphere so the sun's light filtered through red? I never saw him do it on the show but that doesn't mean he can't.

The real kicker is that even if Superman did win, Captain Planet would just go back to the Planeteer's rings, to be re-summoned whenever the time was right again. Superman couldn't defeat Captain Planet for good without taking down Whoopi Goldberg, the spirit of the earth, which would destroy the planet as well. Superman's reluctance to destroy the planet has always been his Achilles heel.

Next Week: Captain Marvel

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Goku


Oh Goku, you are so powerful. Your kamehameha could totally destroy the planet. You are faster than a speeding bullet and many other things which are even faster than that. Remember the time you fought Frieza? That was awesome.

This is going to be the most boring article I have ever written, since the reason Goku would beat Superman is fairly simple: Goku is every bit as powerful as Superman, but he has also trained for combat his entire life. He is like Superman, but if Superman knew kung-fu. Goku's punches shatter mountains, his energy blast are the size of smalls moons, he moves way too fast to be seen, and he does it all with the remarkable power of a diligent exercise regime, like some sort of outer space Billy Blanks. Goku's solution to any problem is training, whether it be training in a hyperbolic time chamber, training in 100 times earth's gravity, or training in the afterlife. I don't think Superman has ever trained for anything in his life. Goku can also teleport, which I imagine might also be useful at some point.

The thing about Superman is, I have never seen him make any attempt whatsoever to dodge or block any kind of hit. His MO is more or less to take everything right on the chin, because he is Superman and can take more punishment than most people can dish out. Against Goku that shit just wouldn't fly. Goku actually blocks and dodges super fast punches all the time. He's really good at it.

And of course, if it ever did look like Superman was going to win, Goku would just go Super Saiyan 5 or 6 or whatever number he is up to now.

Also, if Superman did actually win Goku would just come back more powerful than before.

Next Week: Captain Planet

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Silver Surfer


The Silver Surfer is overpowered. Totally, insanely, stupidly overpowered. Superman is as well, but the entirety of comic book fandom doesn't seem to look the other way for the Surfer the way they do for Supey. The Silver Surfer is so stupid powerful that I actually had to do some research to determine exactly how powerful he is. I don't normally do that for these blogs, I usually just pull half-facts out of my ass, make a few sexy jokes, put a pic at the top, and call it art. I won't list all his powers here. I'll make light of them when relevent because, like Peter Petrelli before him, the Silver Surfer wouldn't need all the powers at his disposal to win.

Superman is very strong and very fast. The Silver Surfer is even more so. It is hard to determine exactly how strong the Surfer is, but he very recently went a few rounds with the Hulk without the benefit of being able to tap into his other powers. The Hulk still gave him a decent beating, but the fact that the Surfer wasn't crushed like a tin can says volumes for his strength. Now, being stronger than the Hulk doesn't neccessarily make one stronger than Superman (the exact limit of Superman's strength being as ill-defined as they are) I will supplant this by mentiong that the Surfer can move faster than light on his board. Superman can be as strong as he wants since he wouldn't be able to lay a hand on the Surfer anyway.

However, should Norrin decide not to simply pummel Superman into a bloody clump he always has the option of using on of his other million and a half superpowers. He has the ability to restructure matter, so I guess he could just transmute Superman into a bloody clump. It's probably easier. He could use his power cosmic to blast Superman into a bloody clump, or his size-altering powers to stomp Superman into a bloody clump. The Silver Surfer has a lot of different ways to render Superman a bloody clump.

Just to be devil's advocate, I'll try to think of weaknesses the Surfer has that Superman might exploit. Many people believe that the Surfer gains his powers from his board. This is not true. The Surfer is little more than momentarily inconvenienced when his board is damaged. I guess Superman could throw him into the sun, but the Surfer is immune to the effects of most radiation, and can actually absorb and channel such energies through his body. Assuming Superman could actaully manage to get him in the sun to begin with. The Silver Surfer is kind of powerful.

Next Week: Goku

Monday, August 11, 2008

Peter Petrelli


I'm not too proud of the picture I ended up using for this one. He looks sort of bad-ass, right? Not at all like the other 15 year old girl cream dream pictures of Milo Ventimiglia?

Due to the nature of Peter Petrelli's powers, I feel it is important for me to date this blog. Not in the sense of today's date, but rather where we are in the Heroes timeline since Peter gets more powerful with every episode. As I sit here typing, season 2 has ended and season 3 has yet to begin. This means that as of this moment, Peter has the following powers: flight, precognition, radiation manipulation, electricity manipulation, time/space manipulation, regeneration, super-strength, telepathy, telekinesis, invisibility, and phasing. Yes, I did get that list from Wikipedia.

But you know what? Only two of those powers mean anything. Space/time manipulation and cellular regeneration are all he needs. He might possibly be able to beat Superman with any conglomeration of his other powers, but cellular regeneration and space/time control are the real ponies to bet on.

These two powers enable Peter to overcome the Superman's real advantage against most foes, his speed. Superman is certainly very strong, but even he weren't it wouldn't matter much against a foe who is too fast for you to see. Superman would, barring a precongitive vision or visit from future Peter, get the first hit in, and with Superman's strength the first hit is enough to pulp a human skull. Peter does have super-strength, but not to the degree I believe it would be neccessary to survive a Superman punch. Luckily Peter doesn't really need his skull to stay intact. He can regenerate a pulped face. Adam Munroe survived exploding (so did Peter, come to think of it), so it's safe to assume Peter could regrow a head if he needed to.

Once said head is regrown, Superman doesn't get another hit in. Time freezes around him and he is basically at the mercy of whatever emo whim Peter decides to act upon. If it was me personally, I would drop Superman off in some dystopian future, then go back in time and make sure that future never happens, effectively wiping Superman out of the space/time continuum. Nothing stings like being erased from the space/time continuum! But Peter has lots of options really.

Next season Peter will probably get the power to de-atomize people just by looking at them. It's really the only way that guy could get more powerful. Of course if he meets up with Sylar again he may absorb Sylar's "super melting power," which might be just as good. Shouldn't he already have that power though? Maybe since he has never seen Sylar use it he just doesn't know he has it. But I digress. Peter wins!

Next week: Silver Surfer

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Ultraman (Hayata)



I laugh out loud at you if you thought I meant lame-ass Earth 3 Ultraman. Fuck that guy. I meant kick-ass Japanese Ultraman. Shuwatch bitches! Ultraman makes it sad that the Power Rangers ruined tokusatsu for the United States. Why couldn't Saban have just dubbed Super Sentai?! Why did he totally ruin the dialogue and replace all the actors with douche bags!? I mean, it still enjoys moderate popularity and I did enjoy it for a period in my youth, but still!

Anyway, Ultraman. He would beat Superman in a fight. I can tell you exactly how the fight would go as well. Superman and Ultraman would fight to a standstill for a few minutes, then the Color Timer on Ultraman's chest would start to blink, and then Ultraman would blast Superman with the Spacium Ray, causing Supes to explode. All of the original Ultraman's fight seem to go this way. Superman is powerful, but even he cannot combat the natural order of things.

Say for a moment I was to suspend this notion, and allow this fight to go differently than the stars foretold. Superman would still lose. Ultraman is much bigger than he is. Much bigger. People say that this doesn't matter in a fight, but it does for simple physical reasons. Ultraman is probably in the area of 200 meters tall, which means any conservative estimate would put his weight at tens of thousands of tons. Very heavy. Ultraman's bones would have to several times stronger than the strongest metal known to man just to support his own massive weight. His muscles would also have to be suitably powerful to move such a mass. Everything about him would have to be proportionately stronger just to keep him alive. It would very much be like a single ant trying to kill you, even if that ant is much stronger and faster than a normal ant, you're still going to kick that ant's ass, and ants are proportionately stronger than humans to begin with. Add this to the fact that Ultraman is super strong even by the standards of his own unbelievably huge size and his skin is probably made of some unbreakable alien alloy.

The only real question in this fight is how horribly would Ultraman's Spacium Ray destroy Superman? What would a laser made to kill giant monsters do an itty bitty kryptonian?

Honorable Mention: Ultraseven. Ultraseven deserves his own post, but I would pretty much cut and paste this one then add "and then he'd fuck Lois Lane just to be a dick." Not that I actually think Ultraseven would do that, but chicks love that guy.

Next Week: Peter Petrelli

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Thor


Thor vs. Superman is one of those comic book fights that has been around pretty much as long as both characters have tried to occupy the same newsstands. And why the hell not? They're both really powerful, wear red capes, and have bulgey muscles. DC fans thought the conflict was put to bed years ago when Thor and Supes threw down definitively in the pages of Avengers/JLA, written by Kurt Busiek with art by (my favorite!) George Perez.

It was a rarity in crossover battles, as the outcome was clear. They didn't realize halfway through that they shouldn't be fighting (Like Batman and Captain America did) and they didn't knock each other out at the same moment. Thor and Superman fought, trash was talked, lines were drawn, and punches were thrown. In the end Superman had taken Thor out.

It's true. Superman won the day then. I can't deny it happened. I can pull it out of longbox #2 anytime I want to read it and see the disgusting details even. However, just because Kurt Busiek wrote it does not make it the most likely outcome. I base this statement on two simple facts: first is the noteworthy coincidence that DC published the issue this fight took place, second is that Thor did not use half the super powers at his disposal in this fight.

Avengers/JLA (conversley known as JLA/Avengers) was a four issue mini-series published jointly by Marvel and DC Comics. Oddly they decided this would be accomplished by having Marvel publish issues one and three, while DC would publish issues two and four. Reading it, it is fairly easy to see the two publishers took turns taking cheap shots at each other. Issue one ends with Thor driving his magical hammer right through Superman's stupid face! Issue two rolls around, and in an act of pure retribution DC actually has Superman win the fight that should have ended with his charred corpse being carried off by velociraptors (this fight took place in the savage land)! What!?!?

So Thor and Superman fight, and Superman wins. How did Kurt Busiek write this in a way believable enough to have fans not rip it apart all over the internet? Thor hardly uses any of his powers. Superman hits Thor with his heat vision once, other than that it is pretty much pure fisticuffs for the God of Thunder and the Man of Steel. They beat each other like a couple of soccer hooligans, let the power of flight and centuries of combat experience be damned. HIT HIM WITH A FUCKING LIGHTNING BOLT THOR! You're the god of thunder for Christ's sake! Even Captain Marvel almost beat Superman with lightning, and he's twelve years old! Open a portal or something! Send him to limbo and let Surtur deal with it! Please, do something other than just stand there and wack him with your hammer. A magic hammer is nice, but I bet magic lightning hurts more.

Let us look at the myriad advantages Thor has over Superman. Thor is a LOT more experienced than Superman is. He was putting down rock giants centuries before Superman's father's father's father was conceived. In addition to being around and about as strong as Superman, Thor has a magical weapon (magic being on of Superman's weaknesses). Mjolnir should have been caked with Supes' brain matter at the end of issue 1, Superman should not have been able to catch that shit. Superman has the advantage of speed and flight, but Superman does not fly faster than the God's lightning. That shit is fast.

It's not that I want to ignore continuity. I just want continuity to make sense. Why did Thor suddenly forget about his other powers? I like to believe that had Iron Man, Wonder Man, and friends not intervened, Thor would have got back up, summoned a godly hurricane, and let all that filthy business be forgotten.

Next Week: Ultraman