Ultraman (Hayata)

I laugh out loud at you if you thought I meant lame-ass Earth 3 Ultraman. Fuck that guy. I meant kick-ass Japanese Ultraman. Shuwatch bitches! Ultraman makes it sad that the Power Rangers ruined tokusatsu for the United States. Why couldn't Saban have just dubbed Super Sentai?! Why did he totally ruin the dialogue and replace all the actors with douche bags!? I mean, it still enjoys moderate popularity and I did enjoy it for a period in my youth, but still!

Anyway, Ultraman. He would beat Superman in a fight. I can tell you exactly how the fight would go as well. Superman and Ultraman would fight to a standstill for a few minutes, then the Color Timer on Ultraman's chest would start to blink, and then Ultraman would blast Superman with the Spacium Ray, causing Supes to explode. All of the original Ultraman's fight seem to go this way. Superman is powerful, but even he cannot combat the natural order of things.

Say for a moment I was to suspend this notion, and allow this fight to go differently than the stars foretold. Superman would still lose. Ultraman is much bigger than he is. Much bigger. People say that this doesn't matter in a fight, but it does for simple physical reasons. Ultraman is probably in the area of 200 meters tall, which means any conservative estimate would put his weight at tens of thousands of tons. Very heavy. Ultraman's bones would have to several times stronger than the strongest metal known to man just to support his own massive weight. His muscles would also have to be suitably powerful to move such a mass. Everything about him would have to be proportionately stronger just to keep him alive. It would very much be like a single ant trying to kill you, even if that ant is much stronger and faster than a normal ant, you're still going to kick that ant's ass, and ants are proportionately stronger than humans to begin with. Add this to the fact that Ultraman is super strong even by the standards of his own unbelievably huge size and his skin is probably made of some unbreakable alien alloy.

The only real question in this fight is how horribly would Ultraman's Spacium Ray destroy Superman? What would a laser made to kill giant monsters do an itty bitty kryptonian?

Honorable Mention: Ultraseven. Ultraseven deserves his own post, but I would pretty much cut and paste this one then add "and then he'd fuck Lois Lane just to be a dick." Not that I actually think Ultraseven would do that, but chicks love that guy.

Next Week: Peter Petrelli