Gamera

So a while ago I told myself that I would not do anymore Kaiju. But I can't be done with Kaiju without having done Gamera, can I? He's like my favorite non-Ultra Series, non-Toho Kaiju! Shit! I can't be done Kaiju until I do Hedorah and U-Killer Saurus!

Gamera is the original super-powered turtle. He may not be a ninja, but he needn't be, he can shoot fiery plasma balls out of his mouth, which is better in some ways. He can also fly by spinning like a flying saucer (or more recently by blasting jets out of his legs). His shell is nigh-indestructible, and has various means by which to heal from injuries (whether it be by hibernation or simply replacing lost limbs with replacements of pure plasma).

Gamera also gets his power directly from the adulation of children, which I guess is pretty cool. Superman only feigns being a champion of the people, Gamera actually is. Even if Superman did manage a killing blow through Gamera's super-tough shell, the kids of Japan would just burst into song for some reason, and Gamera would rise again to strike down westernization. I guess Superman could kill all the children in Japan if he wanted to, but that would be a bit of a dick thing to do. Plus Gamera could beat him in the mean time.

This is all in addition to all the stuff I bring up in every boring ass kaiju article. I maintain that I don't think ALL kaiju could beat him. Just the good ones. Fuck you, Kumonga!

Next Week: Pennywise

Sinistar

Run, coward! I am Sinistar! Beware, I live! That's right, it's the most quotable character in video game history, Sinistar! He hungers!

Sinistar is unique in that he is both the original AND the ultimate video game nemesis. All that came before him were merely a precursor and all that follow him are merely pretenders. Sinistar is the true evil in the galaxy. He has an army of drones to do his bidding, and is made of impervious Sinistrite! I assume it is impervious, because Sinistar can only be destroyed by bombs made of the stuff (cleverly named sinibombs).

Unfortunately, due to a lack of real data regarding certain aspects of Sinistar's character (possibly stemming from a lack of credible survivors) it is hard to say exactly how badly Sinistar would beat Superman, be it "incredibly badly," or merely "very badly." We do know that Sinistar is larger than a spaceship, but we don't know the sizes of the spaceships. We know that Sinistar is faster than a spaceship, but we don't know the exact speed of the spaceship either. Finally, we know that Sinistar can inhale a spaceship, but we don't know exactly how much horsepower the particular spaceship is using to elude capture.

I am going to presume that the spaceship which Sinistar destroys quite efficiently is at least the median amount of big, fast, and powerful of all spaceships I know of. This would put said spaceship at superior levels to Superman in all factors because spaceship[s are 1) usually bigger than people, 2) usually move faster than light, and 3) usually push pretty hard to avoid being inhaled by space monsters. It has been hypothesized by experts (re: me drinking Pepsi and playing Sinistar in the breakroom back when I worked at Target) that Sinistar has more sucking power than a black hole.

Nest Week: Gamera

Black Vulcan

This is the best picture I could find of Black Vulcan. The Internet is racist.

If Wikipedia is to be believed, Black Vulcan was created because Black Lightning wasn't deemed valuable enough to purchase the TV rights for. I choose to think of it as Joesphe Hanna saying to William Barbera "Black Lightning is lame, we need to Vulcanize this cartoon!" and then lightning strikes their sketch pads and the scorch marks formed the first ever drawing of Black Vulcan. What I'm trying to say here is that I like Black Vulcan more than I like Black Lightning.

Of course, one thing always stood in Black Vulcan's way to cartoon super stardom: the Man of Steel himself. Superman was spring boarded into cartoon fame by his status as a comic book icon, a privilege Black Vulcan never had. The last laugh is Black Vulcan's though, as he is the more powerful of the two, and could easily take Superman in a fight.

Black Vulcan's powers closely resemble that of a previously listed African American superhero: Monica Rambeau. They both have the power to turn into pure energy, which is a great advantage against Superman, who is a primarily physical hero. This also gives him the ability to move at the speed of light, another great advantage.

So being capable of moving at the speed of light and, as a being of pure energy, also being intangible should make Black Vulcan pretty much immune to Superman. Just in case though, BV has an ace in the hole. Black Vulcan's cotrol of energy is so great that he can actually open rifts in space and time. How even comic-book science can explain this is beyond me. All I know is that he need to travel though time in an episode of Superfriends, so he fluctated his energy until it happened. That's right, Black Vulcan can travel through time at will. Eat that, Superman.

This blog has been Vulcanized!

Next Week: Sinistar

Apocalypse

Apocalypse! Just say it. Apocalypse! It's a powerful, powerful name. Rightly suited for such a powerful dude. In his time (which is eternal by the way. Apocalypse is over 5,000 years old) Apocalypse has defeated gods, been worshiped as a god, and managed to make Angel less gay (probably the most impressive of his accomplishments).

Apocalypse has a lot of powers, which is odd for a mutant, but not odd for a mutant augmented by celestial technology. He is super-strong, invulnerable, capable of instantaneous regeneration, able to absorb and blast energy, telepathic, telekinetic, and has complete control over his own molecular structure, meaning he can alter his size, shape, and density at will. He is also immortal, immune to all disease, and can teleport. He's also a genius, in possession of technology far beyond anything currently in existence (which is actually pretty standard amongst super-villains).

With the ability to alter both his size and density, it isn't too hard to imagine Superman just flying into Apocalypse at super-speed and ending up a super-smear on his chest. That is typically how Superman fights, by just barreling headfirst into things. Not always the best strategy. It's the kind of strategy that gets you splattered against Apocalypse's chest. Even if Superman did manage to defy logic and inflict some minute amount of damage on Apocalypse doing so, Apocalypse would heal instantly anyway. It's sort of odd to have both invulnerability and a healing factor...

Or Apocalypse could take Supes down the old fashioned way, with giant fisticuffs and energy blasts. It would actually be to Apocalypse's advantage to leave Superman unsplattered anyway. Superman would be an awesome Horseman. Much better than Archangel. Archangel sucks.

Next Week: Black Vulcan