Saturday, August 30, 2008

Goku


Oh Goku, you are so powerful. Your kamehameha could totally destroy the planet. You are faster than a speeding bullet and many other things which are even faster than that. Remember the time you fought Frieza? That was awesome.

This is going to be the most boring article I have ever written, since the reason Goku would beat Superman is fairly simple: Goku is every bit as powerful as Superman, but he has also trained for combat his entire life. He is like Superman, but if Superman knew kung-fu. Goku's punches shatter mountains, his energy blast are the size of smalls moons, he moves way too fast to be seen, and he does it all with the remarkable power of a diligent exercise regime, like some sort of outer space Billy Blanks. Goku's solution to any problem is training, whether it be training in a hyperbolic time chamber, training in 100 times earth's gravity, or training in the afterlife. I don't think Superman has ever trained for anything in his life. Goku can also teleport, which I imagine might also be useful at some point.

The thing about Superman is, I have never seen him make any attempt whatsoever to dodge or block any kind of hit. His MO is more or less to take everything right on the chin, because he is Superman and can take more punishment than most people can dish out. Against Goku that shit just wouldn't fly. Goku actually blocks and dodges super fast punches all the time. He's really good at it.

And of course, if it ever did look like Superman was going to win, Goku would just go Super Saiyan 5 or 6 or whatever number he is up to now.

Also, if Superman did actually win Goku would just come back more powerful than before.

Next Week: Captain Planet

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Silver Surfer


The Silver Surfer is overpowered. Totally, insanely, stupidly overpowered. Superman is as well, but the entirety of comic book fandom doesn't seem to look the other way for the Surfer the way they do for Supey. The Silver Surfer is so stupid powerful that I actually had to do some research to determine exactly how powerful he is. I don't normally do that for these blogs, I usually just pull half-facts out of my ass, make a few sexy jokes, put a pic at the top, and call it art. I won't list all his powers here. I'll make light of them when relevent because, like Peter Petrelli before him, the Silver Surfer wouldn't need all the powers at his disposal to win.

Superman is very strong and very fast. The Silver Surfer is even more so. It is hard to determine exactly how strong the Surfer is, but he very recently went a few rounds with the Hulk without the benefit of being able to tap into his other powers. The Hulk still gave him a decent beating, but the fact that the Surfer wasn't crushed like a tin can says volumes for his strength. Now, being stronger than the Hulk doesn't neccessarily make one stronger than Superman (the exact limit of Superman's strength being as ill-defined as they are) I will supplant this by mentiong that the Surfer can move faster than light on his board. Superman can be as strong as he wants since he wouldn't be able to lay a hand on the Surfer anyway.

However, should Norrin decide not to simply pummel Superman into a bloody clump he always has the option of using on of his other million and a half superpowers. He has the ability to restructure matter, so I guess he could just transmute Superman into a bloody clump. It's probably easier. He could use his power cosmic to blast Superman into a bloody clump, or his size-altering powers to stomp Superman into a bloody clump. The Silver Surfer has a lot of different ways to render Superman a bloody clump.

Just to be devil's advocate, I'll try to think of weaknesses the Surfer has that Superman might exploit. Many people believe that the Surfer gains his powers from his board. This is not true. The Surfer is little more than momentarily inconvenienced when his board is damaged. I guess Superman could throw him into the sun, but the Surfer is immune to the effects of most radiation, and can actually absorb and channel such energies through his body. Assuming Superman could actaully manage to get him in the sun to begin with. The Silver Surfer is kind of powerful.

Next Week: Goku

Monday, August 11, 2008

Peter Petrelli


I'm not too proud of the picture I ended up using for this one. He looks sort of bad-ass, right? Not at all like the other 15 year old girl cream dream pictures of Milo Ventimiglia?

Due to the nature of Peter Petrelli's powers, I feel it is important for me to date this blog. Not in the sense of today's date, but rather where we are in the Heroes timeline since Peter gets more powerful with every episode. As I sit here typing, season 2 has ended and season 3 has yet to begin. This means that as of this moment, Peter has the following powers: flight, precognition, radiation manipulation, electricity manipulation, time/space manipulation, regeneration, super-strength, telepathy, telekinesis, invisibility, and phasing. Yes, I did get that list from Wikipedia.

But you know what? Only two of those powers mean anything. Space/time manipulation and cellular regeneration are all he needs. He might possibly be able to beat Superman with any conglomeration of his other powers, but cellular regeneration and space/time control are the real ponies to bet on.

These two powers enable Peter to overcome the Superman's real advantage against most foes, his speed. Superman is certainly very strong, but even he weren't it wouldn't matter much against a foe who is too fast for you to see. Superman would, barring a precongitive vision or visit from future Peter, get the first hit in, and with Superman's strength the first hit is enough to pulp a human skull. Peter does have super-strength, but not to the degree I believe it would be neccessary to survive a Superman punch. Luckily Peter doesn't really need his skull to stay intact. He can regenerate a pulped face. Adam Munroe survived exploding (so did Peter, come to think of it), so it's safe to assume Peter could regrow a head if he needed to.

Once said head is regrown, Superman doesn't get another hit in. Time freezes around him and he is basically at the mercy of whatever emo whim Peter decides to act upon. If it was me personally, I would drop Superman off in some dystopian future, then go back in time and make sure that future never happens, effectively wiping Superman out of the space/time continuum. Nothing stings like being erased from the space/time continuum! But Peter has lots of options really.

Next season Peter will probably get the power to de-atomize people just by looking at them. It's really the only way that guy could get more powerful. Of course if he meets up with Sylar again he may absorb Sylar's "super melting power," which might be just as good. Shouldn't he already have that power though? Maybe since he has never seen Sylar use it he just doesn't know he has it. But I digress. Peter wins!

Next week: Silver Surfer

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Ultraman (Hayata)



I laugh out loud at you if you thought I meant lame-ass Earth 3 Ultraman. Fuck that guy. I meant kick-ass Japanese Ultraman. Shuwatch bitches! Ultraman makes it sad that the Power Rangers ruined tokusatsu for the United States. Why couldn't Saban have just dubbed Super Sentai?! Why did he totally ruin the dialogue and replace all the actors with douche bags!? I mean, it still enjoys moderate popularity and I did enjoy it for a period in my youth, but still!

Anyway, Ultraman. He would beat Superman in a fight. I can tell you exactly how the fight would go as well. Superman and Ultraman would fight to a standstill for a few minutes, then the Color Timer on Ultraman's chest would start to blink, and then Ultraman would blast Superman with the Spacium Ray, causing Supes to explode. All of the original Ultraman's fight seem to go this way. Superman is powerful, but even he cannot combat the natural order of things.

Say for a moment I was to suspend this notion, and allow this fight to go differently than the stars foretold. Superman would still lose. Ultraman is much bigger than he is. Much bigger. People say that this doesn't matter in a fight, but it does for simple physical reasons. Ultraman is probably in the area of 200 meters tall, which means any conservative estimate would put his weight at tens of thousands of tons. Very heavy. Ultraman's bones would have to several times stronger than the strongest metal known to man just to support his own massive weight. His muscles would also have to be suitably powerful to move such a mass. Everything about him would have to be proportionately stronger just to keep him alive. It would very much be like a single ant trying to kill you, even if that ant is much stronger and faster than a normal ant, you're still going to kick that ant's ass, and ants are proportionately stronger than humans to begin with. Add this to the fact that Ultraman is super strong even by the standards of his own unbelievably huge size and his skin is probably made of some unbreakable alien alloy.

The only real question in this fight is how horribly would Ultraman's Spacium Ray destroy Superman? What would a laser made to kill giant monsters do an itty bitty kryptonian?

Honorable Mention: Ultraseven. Ultraseven deserves his own post, but I would pretty much cut and paste this one then add "and then he'd fuck Lois Lane just to be a dick." Not that I actually think Ultraseven would do that, but chicks love that guy.

Next Week: Peter Petrelli