Santa Claus

Chosen by God as the bastion of holiday generosity, Santa Claus has gone by many alias' over the centuries: Chris Kringle, Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas, etc...But whatever you choose to call him know that while he may be known for dispensing presents to good little boys and girls on Christmas day, he is also fully capable of dispensing death to his adversaries all year long.

Many people may think me crazy for including Santa here, or perhaps merely overcome with Christmas cheer, let us take a second to examine the physics behind Santa. While the precise mathematics behind it are somewhat boring, it can be roughly determined that in order to visit every gentile boy and girl on the planet Santa would have to travel at least three thousand times the speed of sound in order to get it done in the allotted 31 hours. Plus, a conservative estimate places to size of Santa's payload at around 350,000 tons (I say conservative because, according to my Dad, kids are spoiled these days).

Keep close in mind Santa's two most obvious advantages in this confrontation. First, Santa is omniscient. He sees Superman when he's sleeping and knows when Superman is awake. There is no possible way for Superman to surprise Santa. Santa knows all Superman's tricks.

Santa's second and admittedly most blunt advantage is that you just know someone asked for kryptonite this year. I know I did.

Next Week: Gladiator

TETSUOOOOO!

I did some Internet research. That is the correct pronunciation of TETSUOOOOO! I tried to do some research on Tetsuo's powers as well, but got distracted by Anime Music Videos splicing Akira clips with Korn and Linkin Park songs. I did manage to learn that Tetsuo is "a freak on a leash" and is also "crawling in my skin."

A few weeks ago I highlighted another power telekinetic, Mewtwo, and incorrectly stated that being a world class telekinetic was not enough on it's own to defeat Superman. Either I was gravely mistaken or Tetsuo drastically redefines what a "world class" telekinetic is. When you can use your telepathy to catch rockets and shield yourself from the ensuing explosions, that is world class. Telekinesis powerful enough to propel you into space and protect you from the vacuous non-atmosphere is world class. As an added plus, he also has the power to graft inorganic matter to his body in order to heal wounds. Could be handy. I am of the opinion that this power makes Tetsuo pretty much unbeatable, since once he deforms into that giant flesh monster he takes considerable damage with dying or relenting, though that point is debatable.

So Superman charges Tetsuo at full speed. All Tetsuo has to do is catch Superman mid-air rip his guts out from the inside...with his mind! Now, Tetsuo is fast enough and powerful enough to catch a rocket, but this doesn't necessarily make him fast and powerful enough to catch Superman. Doesn't really matter though, any damage Tetsuo should happen to sustain is repaired easily enough...with his mind! Seriously, Tetsuo got his arm blown off. Made a new one out of stuff lying around.

The hard part for Tetsuo is defeating Superman without turning into a gigantic, fleshy, organ monster. That thing freaks me right the fuck out!

Next Week: Merry Christmas!

Freddy Krueger*

For a split second I debated putting Dr. Destiny on this list. Then I figured if I wanted to put a character on this list with power over dreams, I would put the one that wasn't the stupidest character ever created. Dr. Destiny sucks. His name is terrible and his costume in generic. Oooh! A skull face! Eat a dick Dr. Destiny. Even his episode in the Justice League cartoon was awful, and that's hard to do.

Moving on, notice that the title of this entry is Freddy Krueger with an asterisk. Next the that asterisk will read "if Freddy Krueger can pull his head out of his ass for five minutes and just fucking kill someone already," which isn't to say that Freddy Krueger isn't powerful, or that he isn't good at killing. All I'm trying to say is that I like to give credit where credit is due, and I would never say that Superman is incapable of something that a dozen teenage girls have done before him. Freddy Krueger is pretty much invincible in the dream world, provided he doesn't make physical contact with the person he is in the process of killing, which gives them the opportunity to wake up, pull him into the real world, and kick his ass like Jason Voorhees did. So Freddy Krueger does have an exploitable weakness.

However, by absolutely no means does Freddy need to make physical contact with anyone to harm them. He once turned a girl into a roach, trapped her inside a giant roach motel, and just crushed the shit out of it. Didn't come into physical contact with her at all. True, that was one of the lamer deaths in the series, but the point remains valid. Freddy never has to manifest himself anywhere near Supes. He could just trap him in some magically inescapable death trap. Or just cut the crap and kill him. Superman falls asleep. Freddy shows up and kills him from a safe distance. Freddy's reality warping dream powers keep Superman from busting out the kryptonian speed, and Freddy just strecthes out a long sharp dream claw and shanks Superman. Fight over. If Freddy doesn't french it up with fancy scare tactics or elaborate dream sequences it would be a very easy fight for him.

In summation, as long as Freddy didn't try to do anything too cute this would be a very easy fight, but I said the same thing before Freddy Vs. Jason as well though and we all know how that turned out.

Next Week: Tetsuo Shima

Firelord

Before anyone asks, I am not of the opinion that all of Galactus' heralds can beat Superman in a fight. Silver Surfer is a given. Firelord certainly. Maybe Terrax. I could see Stardust possibly winning. Red Shift, Air Walker, Morg, and Nova all suck hard.

Lots of people mistake Firelord for a simple fire elemental, like the Human Torch or any of the other half million fire manipulating super-folk. If that were true Firelord would have a bit of a problem flying through space at the speed of light finding planets for Galactus. Firelord is more akin to a human star than a Human Torch. He can manipulate energies even greater than that of mere fire. In addition to the stellar plasma that makes up his form, Firelord has control over the forces of both light and gravity (amongst other things that I imagine would prove less useful). Begs the question, if he has the properties of a living sun and controls light, couldn't he make himself like a RED living sun, thus robbing Superman of his powers? Not that Firelord would really know to do it, but he probably could. He is drawn red half the time anyway. Also, as a herald of Galactus he is both nigh invulnerable and capable moving faster than light (all the heralds that matter can).

Of course, being a living sun doesn't automatically prove that one can destroy Superman. Remember Solaris? Well, Firelord isn't a gay living sun like Solaris. Anyway, Superman flies through stars all the time. Sometimes this proves harmful (All-Star Superman, even though he didn't actually die from it. Just thought he was gonna) and sometimes he doesn't give it a second thought (Infinite Crisis). Being a living, sentient sun that can move faster than the speed of light is what gives Firelord the advantage. Superman couldn't lay a hand on Firelord, giving Firelord all the time he would need to pelt him with the countless numbers of radiation at his disposal as a living sun.

I believe many misconceptions about Firelord's powers stem from his name. "Firelord" is an awesome name and Marvel comics was lucky to snap it up, but it really doesn't do Firelord a lot of justice. Makes him sound like a dollar store Human Torch, when in reality he is an ass-kicking living sun (a living sun who is sometimes red). And he could beat Superman in a fight.

Next Week: Freddy Krueger