Sinistar

Run, coward! I am Sinistar! Beware, I live! That's right, it's the most quotable character in video game history, Sinistar! He hungers!

Sinistar is unique in that he is both the original AND the ultimate video game nemesis. All that came before him were merely a precursor and all that follow him are merely pretenders. Sinistar is the true evil in the galaxy. He has an army of drones to do his bidding, and is made of impervious Sinistrite! I assume it is impervious, because Sinistar can only be destroyed by bombs made of the stuff (cleverly named sinibombs).

Unfortunately, due to a lack of real data regarding certain aspects of Sinistar's character (possibly stemming from a lack of credible survivors) it is hard to say exactly how badly Sinistar would beat Superman, be it "incredibly badly," or merely "very badly." We do know that Sinistar is larger than a spaceship, but we don't know the sizes of the spaceships. We know that Sinistar is faster than a spaceship, but we don't know the exact speed of the spaceship either. Finally, we know that Sinistar can inhale a spaceship, but we don't know exactly how much horsepower the particular spaceship is using to elude capture.

I am going to presume that the spaceship which Sinistar destroys quite efficiently is at least the median amount of big, fast, and powerful of all spaceships I know of. This would put said spaceship at superior levels to Superman in all factors because spaceship[s are 1) usually bigger than people, 2) usually move faster than light, and 3) usually push pretty hard to avoid being inhaled by space monsters. It has been hypothesized by experts (re: me drinking Pepsi and playing Sinistar in the breakroom back when I worked at Target) that Sinistar has more sucking power than a black hole.

Nest Week: Gamera

Black Vulcan

This is the best picture I could find of Black Vulcan. The Internet is racist.

If Wikipedia is to be believed, Black Vulcan was created because Black Lightning wasn't deemed valuable enough to purchase the TV rights for. I choose to think of it as Joesphe Hanna saying to William Barbera "Black Lightning is lame, we need to Vulcanize this cartoon!" and then lightning strikes their sketch pads and the scorch marks formed the first ever drawing of Black Vulcan. What I'm trying to say here is that I like Black Vulcan more than I like Black Lightning.

Of course, one thing always stood in Black Vulcan's way to cartoon super stardom: the Man of Steel himself. Superman was spring boarded into cartoon fame by his status as a comic book icon, a privilege Black Vulcan never had. The last laugh is Black Vulcan's though, as he is the more powerful of the two, and could easily take Superman in a fight.

Black Vulcan's powers closely resemble that of a previously listed African American superhero: Monica Rambeau. They both have the power to turn into pure energy, which is a great advantage against Superman, who is a primarily physical hero. This also gives him the ability to move at the speed of light, another great advantage.

So being capable of moving at the speed of light and, as a being of pure energy, also being intangible should make Black Vulcan pretty much immune to Superman. Just in case though, BV has an ace in the hole. Black Vulcan's cotrol of energy is so great that he can actually open rifts in space and time. How even comic-book science can explain this is beyond me. All I know is that he need to travel though time in an episode of Superfriends, so he fluctated his energy until it happened. That's right, Black Vulcan can travel through time at will. Eat that, Superman.

This blog has been Vulcanized!

Next Week: Sinistar

Apocalypse

Apocalypse! Just say it. Apocalypse! It's a powerful, powerful name. Rightly suited for such a powerful dude. In his time (which is eternal by the way. Apocalypse is over 5,000 years old) Apocalypse has defeated gods, been worshiped as a god, and managed to make Angel less gay (probably the most impressive of his accomplishments).

Apocalypse has a lot of powers, which is odd for a mutant, but not odd for a mutant augmented by celestial technology. He is super-strong, invulnerable, capable of instantaneous regeneration, able to absorb and blast energy, telepathic, telekinetic, and has complete control over his own molecular structure, meaning he can alter his size, shape, and density at will. He is also immortal, immune to all disease, and can teleport. He's also a genius, in possession of technology far beyond anything currently in existence (which is actually pretty standard amongst super-villains).

With the ability to alter both his size and density, it isn't too hard to imagine Superman just flying into Apocalypse at super-speed and ending up a super-smear on his chest. That is typically how Superman fights, by just barreling headfirst into things. Not always the best strategy. It's the kind of strategy that gets you splattered against Apocalypse's chest. Even if Superman did manage to defy logic and inflict some minute amount of damage on Apocalypse doing so, Apocalypse would heal instantly anyway. It's sort of odd to have both invulnerability and a healing factor...

Or Apocalypse could take Supes down the old fashioned way, with giant fisticuffs and energy blasts. It would actually be to Apocalypse's advantage to leave Superman unsplattered anyway. Superman would be an awesome Horseman. Much better than Archangel. Archangel sucks.

Next Week: Black Vulcan

Superman

I have not gone insane. Pitting Superman against himself is not the end of this blog forever. By adding Superman to this list I am cleverly illustrating the point that Superman's energy powers were far superior to his regular ones. Yes. These are the words that I am saying. They resonate sharply with truth.

With his classic powers, Superman was a nigh-unstoppable physical force. Powerful yes, but loosely bound but certain physical laws. As a being of pure energy, Superman was free to distribute faster than light justice like a strange blue bolt of righteousness. He had complete control over the entire electromagnetic spectrum! He could absorb any form of energy! He could phase through solid matter! Regular Superman could not touch him!

The outcome to this match would be simple. Electric Superman fucks with regular Superman's electrical synapses and impulses. Regular Superman is rendered catatonic and dies shitting himself in a hospital bed years later. Electric Superman does this at the speed of light, so regular Superman is defenseless.

Should Electric Superman decides he wants to outright destroy Superman, he just draws all the solar energy from Superman's body. This renders Superman powerless and vulnerable to...you know...getting struck by lightning.

Superman vs. Superman! And the winner is...Superman!

Next Week: Apocalypse

Super Sonic

I, like a majority of gamers I imagine, vastly preferred the original Sonic the Hedgehog platform games to the newfangled 3D ones. There are many reasons for this. As a natural born lummox, I crave simplicity in my video games. "That button jumps, these buttons run"are really the only instructions required in a well written manual as far as I am concerned. I don't much care for cut scenes in my games either. They remove you from the action. And one thing I especially dislike about the newer games, however, is the treatment of Super Sonic.

These days an appearance by Super Sonic is pretty much mandated by the game's various narratives. He is built into the plot that way, making using him less rewarding. Back in my day Super Sonic was unbeatable. Even bosses did zero damage to him so long as loyal players kept him supplied with sweet, sweet rings. This invulnerability didn't come easy though. You had to collect all the powerful Chaos Emeralds to unlock this amazing strength. There was no narrative to guide you to all the emeralds either. You had to collect fifty rings on your own time, then for some reason jump though a giant ring and complete the bonus stage. Then you had to do it again six more times. It was difficult to do without beating the game first!

This stands in stark contrast to Superman, who did nothing to earn his amazing powers except be born on another planet. That lazy milksop! Sonic the Hedgehog has to jump through hoops (er...rings) to gain his invincibility and insane speeds! Infuriating!

However, I've never been one to take non-corporeal factors like grit and determination into account in these assessments. So let's examine the facts. Fact: Super Sonic is utterly invincible. Fact: Even the mightiest of Dr. Robotnik's machines is destroyed at the merest tough of Super Sonic's light-infused quills. Fact: Super Sonic has been shown (depending on the game/media) to be faster than any speeding bullet, and occasionally even capable of flight. How could Superman possibly harm something too fast to be touched? And what would he do to this invincible furry juggernaut even if he weren't so, so slow in comparison?

He never had yellow bird lackeys though, that was a Super Tails thing.

Next Week: Superman?!?!

Unicron

See that planet in the picture? No, not the little one. The little one is Lithone. Lithone sucks. I mean the big one. That big planet? The one giving Lithone the ol' stink eye? That is Unicron. That big ass planet is a mother fucking Transformer. The biggest fucking Transformer ever. Unicron eats planet. Not in a lame ass "converts them to energy and then feeds on the energy" way. In a literal chew-their-asses-up-and-swallow way.

Unicron is basically the Transformer devil. Big as shit and hellbent on the destruction of Cybertron, Unicron drifts throught he galaxy and eats everything in his path. He does have a robot form, and when he chooses to don it he is armed to the teeth with all manner of nasty weapons. Not that he needs them. He is the size of a planet! A fucking planet! Superman used to be able to push planets around (pre-crisis, it was stupid) but not planets capable of self-propulsion. Also, not planets that could eat him.

Seriously, what would Superman do to a robot the size of a planet? Unicron has to have redundancy upon redundancy built into his systems, more likely than not just to take up the massive amounts of space one would have in a robot the size of a planet. He also has off the wall defenses inside his body. But mostly he's the size of a planet! Planets are huge! And I don't like to mention it, but Unicron can only be destroyed by the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. Which Superman doesn't have, and (as a non-Autobot Leader) couldn't open if he did.

The only problem facing Unicron in this bout is the fact that Superman is probably too small for him to see. Though he can see regular sized Transformers, which are comparably small. He probably has some pretty decent vision, as he can see events occurring in Autobot City (earth) from deep space. Unicron must possess some evil form of omnipresence or omniscience. Unicron knows things. Evil things.

I like to imagine a scenario in which Unicron rebuilds Metallo into a more menacing robot. Possibly Brainiac as well. Maybe Lex Luthor.

Next Week: Super Sonic

The Borg

I love the way I find loopholes to my own rules. Yes, the Borg do count, as they are not an entire race or army but rather a collective. Many bodies working for the same hive mind, like communism on sick bender. Several billion communists, and the drug is sweet, sweet assimilation.

The Borg have three advantages against Superman. The first is obviously sheer numbers. Superman is much stronger than a normal person, or even a single Borg (Borg cybernetic enhancements make them stronger than regular humans/vulcans/whatevers). But is he stronger than a hundred Borg? Again the answer is yes. A thousand? Sure, more likely than not. A Million? Eh, getting closer. A billion? That's a lot of Borg. There are more than a trillion assimilated humanoids in the Borg collective. A trillion bodies that Superman would have to smash to defeat the Borg.

A trillion Borg to smash if it came to that. Which it probably wouldn't, because Superman would also have to get past their second advantage: Borg technology. Borg technology is centuries past anything lame-ass Brainiac ever came up with, and twice as brutal. The combined techological likenesses of hundreds of assimilated species makes for nasty goodies, not the least of which is the planet sized spaceships they employ. Superman can be as invulnerable as he wants, just makes him a better drone once the Borg pump him with a few pints worth of nano-robots.

However, a particular technological aspect of the Borg makes up advantage 3: adaptation. The Borg, through the benefits of the oft-mentioned hive-mind the trillions of them share, is capable of coming up with amazingly quick adaptations for any situation they might find themselves in. This means that, while Superman may get a few with his super-strong punches and heat vision or whatever, the rest would adapt. Superman has a lot of powers, but he does not have enough to destroy a trillion super-adaptive cyborgs. Imagine the shocked look on his face when the fourth or so Borg drone adapts to his punches! It would probably be the last emotive expression he ever made.

It does not matter how strong or how fast Superman is. All that does is make him a better drone. With numbers in the trillions, technology far beyond anything Superman has ever seen, and all the adaptive qualities of hundreds of assimilated races, Superman is destined to fall before the Borg. I guess what they say is true, resistance IS futile.

Next Week: Unicron